Okay, so there's parody, and then there's homage, and then there's fan fiction, and then there's some kind of unholy amalgamation where all three concepts are grafted to each other like some twisted scientist's idea of improving upon Mother Nature. And we all know how well that turns out.


It's with that in mind that we bring you TREK TEENS. You see, it's like Star Trek - so much like Star Trek that it might as well just be from Paramount, or in litigation with Paramount - but they're teenagers! Comedy gold.


Since this is a black and white independently published comic, it begins with a page of text explaining who the creators are and how they came to dream up this masterpiece, and how it took them fourteen years to come up with the idea of Star Trek characters as teenagers. Well, okay, fourteen years, and thirty seconds after reading the rejected Paramount script for "Star Trek: The First Adventure".


Our story opens with a mysterious figure who may or may not be Gary Coleman plotting to use the plot of "Star Trek 6" as the basis for this parody comic. And in case you don't get the reference, there's a helpful reminder in the last panel. I'm with you, comic! Fans have been having to do the comedy-reference heavy lifting for far too long!


So Conan O'Brien and Stereotype Butch Lesbian walk into a bar... wait, what? That's supposed to be Teenage Kirk and Teenage McCoy?

Whatever you say. It's your comic.


Teenage Kirk strikes out with the ladies? Even Uhura, after he went through all the trouble of adopting some kind of weird urban rapper stereotype pose because she's black and obviously she would want to date rappers?? And a hearty THANK YOU to "Trek Teens" for taking a TV character that was used to break down stereotypes and racial discrimination and using that character to bring things right back around to stereotypes and racial discrimination.


Of course Teenage Spock is the one the girls REALLY go for. Just like in later years, when Spock would be the focus of reams and reams of terrible fan epics involving his multiple wives and galaxy-spanning love affairs, some of which involved Kirk, but we won't go there. Yet.


Uh oh, looks like the Klingons from Klingon High School are threatening to win the big football game against Federation High! And that's our dramatic plot, the big football game. Funny how the writers of this comic book never played football and hated high school football with a burning passion when they were actually in high school, but 14 years later suddenly they're writing a comic book, with any concievable plot imaginable available for the use of their limitless imaginations, and WHAM here we are, with high school football the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER.


Will Teenage Spock - interestingly placed here in the 'coffin panel', that's one you won't find in HOW TO DRAW COMICS THE MARVEL WAY - be Kirk's secret weapon to win the Big Game? Or will Kirk's jealousy and stubborn pig-headedness cloud his otherwise impeccable teenage judgement?


Not far away the high school principal places a minature NOMAD probe inside the football.

Man, I didn't even have to look that one up. Beam me up Scotty, I'm a Trekkie, I guess.


The Klingon teens play rough and are just killing the Federation team, which is made up of secondary characters and redshirts. This allows the comic to get in the catch phrase that all Trekkies and Trekkers and Spiner-Fems were waiting for.


Teenage Kirk won't let Teenage Spock in the game so Teenage Bones juices Teenage Kirk up with drugs and sends Teenage Spock on the field. Where's the actual football coach during all this? Who knows? Not this comic, that's for sure; I'm sure it can tell you way more than you need to know about Sarek or dilithium crystals or ultrasonic wash cycles on D-class Federation warships, but football? forget it.


Teenage Spock, the "Fonzie" of the 23rd century. Really? Now THAT is a comic book I want to read.


But a tragic offscreen accident, perhaps involving a motorcycle and a shark, takes Teenage Spock down and it's time for Teenage Bones to get some Teenage Drugs into his system and charge out there on the field.


TOUCHDOWN AND THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH A MIGHTY "Yah."


And just when NOMAD, the bomb NOMAD, is about to go off it lands right in Gary Coleman's lap, giving us a funny Warner Brothers style charred comedy panel which is immediately RUINED by the obsessive-compulsive "explain everything" disorder of this comic's writers. The explanation on page 23 is "because comedy". Which it would have been, had you not taken us out of the joke to explain it.


And hey, Teenage Bones now gets all the chicks! Chicks dig a guy who can get them stoned! But let's leave their booty dance and take a quick look at our second feature... the logical extension of turning Star Trek characters into teenagers... why not just go a little further?


Yesh, it's TREK BABIES. Because cartoony toddlers in sleepies incessantly referencing episodes of Star Trek is hilarious, right? Tell you what, comic, if I want to listen to people never shutting up about Star Trek, I will attend one of the fifty-zillion sci-fi conventions held across the country; sure, the conversation is the same, but there's slightly (only slightly, mind you) less chance of someone pooping their pants.

Next up, TREK FETUSES: THE NEXT GENERATION

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