Marvel's had great success with their recent films, and to capitalize on this they're rushing lots of new films into production, some starring big-name super heroes, and others working through the B-listers. One such upcoming second-string movie is "Guardians Of The Galaxy", starring not-quite-famous Marvel characters like Star-Lord, Drax The Destroyer, Gamora, and Groot. Groot? Groot.
Yes, Groot, the monster from Planet X! Groot the invincible! Who dares to defy Groot? I defy you, Groot!! I shall destroy you before midnight!! Also I will enjoy the hell out of this comic book for years until it's in barely readable condition! Say what you like about stupid old monster comics - they got read.
So let's just settle into our story of how one man conquers the unconquerable, the unconquerable being a giant tree monster from Planet X. How would YOU destroy a giant tree monster? No, wait, don't answer yet. Let's see how this plays out!
Our story begins as so many of the greatest comic books do - with a ranting, possibly drunken wife subjecting her mild-mannered husband to withering scorn, until he just can't take it any more and slams on the brakes in the middle of nowhere, to ditch the car and begin a new life somewhere far from George Carter and his manly, rugged shoulders.
Or maybe it was just a glowing space alien arriving on Earth in what is the biggest, most exciting event to happen on our planet in thousands of years. But I'm tired, let's go home, she says. So they went home. Henpecked? Leslie here, henpecked? What makes you say that?
Boy, that Alice is really something. Missing trees, glowing lights, driving instead of walking, George Carter's rugged good looks- is there anything she won't use as a springboard to insult Leslie's manhood?
Leslie stands in shock and wonder at the inexplicable thing he's witnessing. I'd say chances are even that he's either looking at a giant space monster or a marriage built on love and mutual respect - either choice is beyond his comprehension.
And there you have it, a giant space monster made of wood absorbing all the wood to feed his wooden body and make it even more woody than it previously had been, which was already pretty woody.
The sheriff didn't want to believe Leslie - after all, he's not nearly as rugged as SOME folk - but when one of his deputies reports a giant glowing monster, suddenly it's time to hand out the shotguns.
"This walking nightmare means business! That briefcase is top-grade leather and he's handing out business cards like there's no tomorrow! Don't let him hit you with that promotional refrigerator magnet!"
Being kidnapped into outer space and experimented upon by a race of giant trees? I dunno, it sounds better than a lifetime of unfavorable comparison to that George Carter fella. But how - how would Groot accomplish such a feat? Maybe he'll explain his sinister plan.
Ah yes, the requisite part of all of these monster comics where the space monster explains his evil plan. In this case it is to use tree roots to make a giant net and then the whole town will be picked up and flown through outer space by trees. Just think of all the time we've wasted with airplanes and rockets! Let TREES handle the job, that's what Groot says - and he's overlord of all the timber in the galaxy, so he knows what he's talking about!
And then on Planet X, you'll be placed in little globes while giant tree-men poke at you with sticks.
Yes, Groot calls his own planet "Planet X". Not very original? What do you expect - they're trees!
But before Groot can begin his rampage of tree-root space kidnapping, Leslie explodes into action! Take that, Groot! I can point my finger at you all day long if necessary!
Here's the part where all the trees uproot themselves and start running around on their little root legs with their little root feet. It would be kind of cute if it didn't spell doom for all humanity.
The Earth in crisis! Mankind threatened by the galaxy's lumber king! Leslie works feverishly to come up with a solution! And Alice is- hectoring her poor husband without mercy. Jeez, comic book, get some couples therapy already. This is getting disturbing.
FINALLY - in the nick of time - Leslie has completed the preparation of his secret, Groot-destroying weapon!! What could this tree-demolishing thing be? If YOU had to destroy a giant tree monster, what would be the first thing you'd use? That's right. You'd use... no, wait, let's see how Leslie intends to destroy Groot. Just for laughs.
AAARGG... WEAK... CANNOT MOVE... AARRGG... Yes, Leslie polled a bunch of 10 year olds and came up with the perfect weapon to destroy a giant tree monster, he used termites. The deadliest enemy of wood! He bred them in his termite-breeding tank at the lab - which is totally something any normal guy would have lying around, he wouldn't go out in the woods and fill the back of his pickup with rotten logs, he'd breed termites in a scientific fashion. Which is why HE'S a SCIENTIST and YOU'RE just a mere SHERIFF. Take THAT, wife! I mean Groot! Groot. Take that, Groot.
Will we see the same amazing tree-based space travel in the upcoming "Guardians Of The Galaxy" film? Will the cinematic version of Groot be treated with special super-scientific chemicals to allow him to resist all the termites the Leslies of the world can throw at him? Only time will tell. See you in the theaters next summer, and save me the aisle seat!
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