One of the great things about comics is that the definition can include just about anything that combines drawings and some sort of a narrative. This means occasionally the Stupid Comics feature can branch out from harrassing cartoonists and graphic novelists and sometimes make fun of advertising material from the last century. Which we will now do. So look out, 1930s! As if you didn't have problems enough!
Yup, it's a harsh world of work, pain, suffering, and itchy wool undergarments, before the widespread use of air conditioning or quilted toilet tissue. The only thing that brightens our dull lives is the prospect of another fun party. Maybe we can get Grandma to run around the room again. That's always a riot!
Some of these amazing party games include "Detective" and "Poor Pussy".
"Poor Pussy". I'm just going to leave this one here.
But who, from the goodness of their hearts, is bringing us this wonderful compilation of games and stunts?
Why it's Miles Laboratories, makers of Alka-Seltzer! Yes, there's no doubt about it, this book of party games is actually a book of ads for Alka-Seltzer, which delivers fast, two-way relief from heartburn and indigestion.
Photos of grim, jowly men thrust pencils in the air and demand you accord Alka-Seltzer the respect it deserves for relieving sour stomach and giving two-fold relief as you play "Amazing Stories", "To Tell The Truth", and other shows based on TV shows that haven't even been invented yet. You'll note "Tell The Truth" requires discretion and diplomacy and must be conducted in such a way as to cause no ill feelings, said somebody who has never seen this sort of game played by 12 year olds, ever.
Is there anything Alka-Seltzer can't do? And if so, does Miles Laboratories make a drug for it?
Yes, there are some conditions Alka-Seltzer won't help. Luckily for the nervous, for the tense, for the paranoid and restless, there's Dr. Miles Liquid Nervine, a relieving tonic for the nerve-wracked and the wakeful. Don't let nerves spoil the enjoyment of others as they ruin their minds with that trashy "fast" music from the radio! Take Dr Miles Nervine, and relax.
But party games aren't the only distraction offered by Miles Laboratories in their quest to both entertain and advertise!
Yes, it's the New Joke Book, just the thing when you have to distract creepy, possibly Satanic visitors from their mission to devour human souls!
"That's the children playing. Since I've been taking NERVINE nothing bothers me! Screaming, hitting, breaking vases, screeching tires, howling sirens, droning Nazi bombers overhead reducing the city to rubble- it's all a pleasant background hum, thanks to NERVINE!"
Can YOU afford to lose a day because of a headache? No, not really. Actually, if I had a headache severe enough to make me miss work, I'd seek medical attention immediately. But this is Miles Laboratories' book and they're going to recommend Alka-Seltzer for your migranes! Try it out migrane sufferers, and see if it doesn't help! And when it doesn't, I'm really very sorry. Migranes are a bitch. Why not work on something for THOSE, Miles Laboratories? Huh?
The essential meaninglessness of human existence and the haunting weight of eternity come crashing down and ruin what was a perfectly nice evening. This is why people don't want to hang out with you, Bob; you are a TOTAL BRINGDOWN.
Little elves battle it out to see which one controls your spoonful of mashed potatoes! You'll note in the text that Miles Laboratories does NOT advise you to stuff yourself like a pig and then rely on Alka-Seltzer to relieve your gastrointestinal distress. They're pretty sure it's going to happen anyway, though.
So much to do! So much punishing, endless work required of women tied down by marriage and societal pressures into the role of housewife - the only role she's allowed to play! Luckily Dr Miles Nervine will make your wife feel like she hasn't a nerve in her body. If YOUR little woman is cranky and irritable at having to raise the children, cook the food, do all the shopping, clean the house, do the laundry, deal with that scumbag milkman, and be prevented from ever developing as a human being in her own right, why not try relieving her burdens with feminism? Wait, I mean Dr Miles Nervine! Nervine. Not feminism. Whew.
Just an ordinary day. No wonder so many people are nervous! Remember kids, this was "the good old days" that cranky oldsters are always going on about how great they were! They were SO GREAT, in fact, that people had to huff down patent medicines of dubious clinical value merely to make it through the day! Or liquor. I'm told liquor helped.
Are you just a complete son of a bitch, throwing dishes at your nurse and harrassing innocent laborers? A scumbag who isn't fit for polite society and who ought to be taken out behind the utility sheds and shot? Or is it just your nerves? Maybe it's just your nerves turning you into a total douchebag. Why not try Dr Miles Nervine and see if that doesn't take the edge off your assholish behavior. If that doesn't work, next we'll try a severe beating.
Right on, lady! I can't stand to hear the phone ring either! Either it's some idiot's super-annoying ring tone, or it's that goddamn telemarketer selling the fake cruise vacation that starts with the fake foghorn and then the voice says "THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING". One day I'm going to find the guys who program those telemarketing robo-call computers and I'm going to fix it so they'll never cause another phone to ring, ever. First I'll take a baseball bat, and I'll break.... wait a minute. I'm all worked up here. Perhaps I should try Dr Miles Nervine, available in small or large packages. Large package, please. And hurry.
Perhaps she's ill... perhaps she's only NERVOUS. You know women! Always thinking they have some sort of actual physical illness! It's like they have body parts that are different from ours! Sure, it's possible, but I'll never know. Not any of my business! What do I pay you doctors for anyways?
Have you tried snuffing Alka-Seltzer? No, seriously, have you? And if so, what the hell were you thinking?
Tiny cartoon people with giant heads, horrifying circus ringmasters whose rosy cheeks and squinty eyes usher you into a universe of pain, cheerful bubbling glasses of Alka-Seltzer, they all urge you to forget the pains of everyday life and enjoy yourself! Dose up with Dr Miles Nervine and you won't fear the telephone, the screaming of children, or the never-ending burden of daily life. In fact your only problem will be a crippling addiction to Dr Miles Nervine. The large package, please. And hurry.
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