Once, a long time ago, back in 1993, everybody was excited about the future. We all knew that in the future we'd be living in an amazing computerized virtual reality "cyberpunk" world where everybody had crazy haircuts, dressed like extras in "Blade Runner", plugged various appliances into 1/4 inch phono jacks that they would have implanted all over their bodies, and would be "jacking in" to "cyberspace" where they'd experience a computer-generated virtual world that would be almost like the real world, but shinier and with more futuristic noises happening. Unsurprisingly, despair and gloom about the future reached near all-time highs in the early 1990s, and it was only the distraction of Newt Gingrich's "Contract With America", combined with Al Gore's "Bridge To The 21st Century" and the Wu-Tang Clan's "Enter The Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers" that kept us from going completely insane.
The amazing "cyberpunk" worldview inspired lots of comic books as well, and most of them were really, really terrible. Here's one of them.
Are you ready to enter the "Intrazone"? It's like a zone, but it's intra! One thing's for sure is that we'll have giant flying robots shooting laser beams at shirtless skateboard maniacs. Now, if this was, say 1967, this would be a really great issue of "Surf Toons". But we're in 1993 so you can expect a lot of bad haircuts and deadly seriousness here in the Intrazone.
Apparently here in the Intrazone you can also expect to be tripping balls.
Here in the far-flung future of the Intrazone, we stop your crystal wing panther hallucinations with amazing scientific wonder drugs of the future, like... "morphine" and "curare?" Yeah, I'd scream too. Give me something synthesized THIS CENTURY, please fellas!
Aww, the happy face is sad now because here in the Intrazone the long hair guy's amazing psychedelic trip was interrupted by the scientists who induced the amazing psychedelic trip in the first place. Are you confused by this story and who these people are and what the heck an "Intrazone" is in the first place? Well, too bad. You don't get explanatory captions here in the Intrazone! That's the first thing you should know about the Intrazone!
There's no room in Cyberdyne for punks like you! Except for the amazing chair with the brain device thing that we put you in to induce psychedelic hallucinations, there's always plenty of room for you in that chair! But other than that, no room!
And hey, here's the crazy skateboard guy from the comic book cover, here to deliver some exciting skateboard versus giant robot action into what has been so far a comic full of insane hippy drug trips and giant musclemen being comically hit on the forehead with rocks. Come on, giant robots!
What! He's been "tripping" the "grids" for Sun-Tech? When Cyberdyne finds out, they'll certainly have some kind of futuristic reaction that no doubt will be explained in some really annoying cyber-punk jargon. In the meantime, enjoy this look at the Intrazone, the City Of The Future, where the glittering promise of tomorrow has turned all seedy and decrepit, festooned everywhere with ridiculous video screens, diagonal warning graphics, and sexy women with crazy hair-dos. CYBER hair-dos, thank you very much.
Hey, look at that - here in the Intrazone, we have little computerized monitors that ticket you for cursing, just like in the fine 1993 Sylvester Stallone film "Demolition Man". Both this comic and the movie came out in the same year, so who can say which came first? Let's just say that great minds think alike, in that they think both this comic and "Demolition Man" are kind of lousy. On the other hand, "Demolition Man" did give us the really amusingly stupid 'three shells' world of the future, whereas all this comic has given us so far is hippy psychedelic trip-outs and a shirtless hollering skateboard man who appears to have some sort of problem with his face, judging by the top right panel. So the clear winner is "Demolition Man."
Crap, I know he was on the cover and everything, but now the sad truth - that Shirtless Skateboard Mohawk Man is really and truly the star of this comic - that sad truth is really starting to sink in. Yup, gonna have to listen to a lot of internal monologues from Shirtless Skateboard Man, gonna have to watch him go about his day-to-day business, which is shaping up to be Flying Skateboard Purse-Snatching.
And here we see Flying Skateboard Purse-Snatching in all its boob-exposing glory, surpassed only by Skateboard Man and his Giant Exposed-Forehead glory. Seriously if I had a skull structure like that, a mohawk would NOT be my hairstyle of choice.
What I'm liking about the Intrazone, as a municipal entity, is that they have little flying robots that hand out tickets for cussing, but they totally do not give a crap about assault and theft. You're on your own, ladies! We have loitering and swear words to suppress!
And hey, turns out the woman he assaulted and robbed was some kind of a SEX-HAVING WOMAN, so obviously she deserved whatever she got. Right, comic? Because that's the vibe I'm getting here. The vibe that the hero of our comic book is a complete scumbag who should probably be zapped by a laser from a giant flying robot, WHICH THE COVER OF THIS COMIC PROMISED WOULD HAPPEN, GET WITH IT COMIC BOOK.
IT'S TIME TO PLAY! COME OUT GIANT FOREHEAD, PRESSING DOWN ON MY TEENY TINY EYES! TIME TO PLAY!
Just think, if this comic book had been drawn ten years later he'd have giant manga eyes and this would be set in "Neo Tokyo" and at least one character would have cat ears. So count your blessings.
"Play", as defined in the Intrazone, means standing still, centering your oneness with the universe, and mentally preparing yourself with a long burst of expository thought, reminding yourself of things you already know, so that the reader, who undoubtedly is really interested in the legislative processes of the Intrazone, starts to get amazingly fidgety waiting for that goddamn laser-shooting giant robot to show up and start killing every speaking character in this comic with his lasers. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN FAST ENOUGH
"Fuck atmospheric contamination, giant forehead! Fuck it all to hell! Fuck it so much that I can't be bothered to think that perhaps atmospheric contamination might be what was responsible for the birth defects that gave me this giant forehead!" Seriously, something is terribly wrong with this guy. I expect any minute he's going to grow a little mustache and swear to destroy the Hulk.
Sorry, that was some 1970s Marvel Comics reference humor there. Won't happen again.
And here he is, the star of our comic, the Giant Robot With Lasers. Get to blasting, Giant Robot! Don't be stingy with the lasers!
PEW PEW! Now this is what I'm talking about! Zapping lasers versus speedy mohawk guy on flying skateboard, zipping around, dodging, exploding, exciting action that... ends when he goes into a tunnel. Wow. Thanks for the four panels of excitement, Intrazone. Thanks a lot.
SUCKER! You thought I was going to give you two or three pages, minimum, of some real comic book thrills and adventure as a lone hero struggles against the mechanical might of an overwhelming technological authority - but you were a SUCKER! I bet you feel real stupid right now! And today's lesson is, never trust giant-forehead mohawk shirtless flying skateboard purse-snatchers. Or comic books.
Whoops! Just when you weren't expecting to have a gun shoved in your face, here's a mysterious sweaty tunnel-lady to shove a gun in your face. Or maybe she's several yards away from you, we're not sure. All we know is, she's had a bad day. We know how you feel, lady - we just had to read "Intrazone"!
This is actually where the comic book ends, and there never were any more issues of "Intrazone", so we're forced to conclude the saga ourselves. Tunnel Lady and Skateboard Man fall in love and get married. Skateboard Man grows hair and gets a job as an accountant - a CYBER-accountant - and Tunnel Lady releases an album of covers entitled "Tunnel Lady Sings All The Hits" which becomes a sensation on the virtual music cyber-networks of the Intrazone. They have four children and live happily ever after. The long-haired psychedelic trip out guy eventually trips out so hard that he becomes a Republican. The giant robot pilot realizes he's in the wrong comic book and joins the cast of Mobile Suit Gundam, but is killed in a very special episode of Gundam Wing. The lady who's purse was snatched is so angry at the state of crime in the Intrazone that she becomes a masked vigilante who stops criminals with rubbers and tampons. The robot that hands out tickets when you curse is elected President. The end.
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