Today's Stupid Comic comes to us right out of the 90s, when the whole wonderful world of artistic expression was available for the comic creator to use in any way he or she saw fit, leading to an explosion of creativity and originality. Or in this case, big-eyed Japanese animation type superhero post apocalypse wizard furry legend adventure. You may think all these elements may be difficult to fit together into a coherent narrative. And you'd be right.
Hey, do you enjoy the whole "knight-night" pun thing that's going there? Good, because there's a lot of that in this story. Other things we can learn from this cover: the future collapse of civilization will mean relaxed dress codes for all, the return of the ponytail for men, and women's fashions will dictate mandatory Brazilian waxes. Good news all around.
As this is issue #2, we join our post-collapse adventure already in progress, as we listen to somebody - the chick in the horned hat, I think - tell us all about her day down at the Temple Of Vesuvius down in San Diego where apparently European volcanoes are worshipped as gods, and where Talos Warhammer preens his post-apocalyptic mohawk and reports to Commander Firehead about his day.
Already we're in "Inception" territory as our narrator narrates to us Talos Warhammer narrating his own story about bringing thunder and hellfire to all who resist his mighty power. Also looks like that San Francisco real estate market might finally be cooling off.
California; a wilderness filled with wandering tribes of musclely barbarians and large-busted women in odd clothes. And in forty years it's gonna get even worse! (rim shot) Thank you, I'm here all week.
Finally, in a burst of smugness, our hero appears! He is Knightmare! His name is always spoken in a special font! And it's good to know sensible tennis shoes will be worn in our savage tribal warfare future!
And after some grunting and hollering, Knightmare hits "Talos Warhammer" with Knightmare's "Knightmare hammer" which is a hammer that makes you relive your worst nightmare over and over until it's no longer scary at all and in fact just seems kind of inconsequential. So for those of you keeping track at home, we have one person named Hammer and two actual hammers, one of which causes bad dreams on repeat.
And then Talos Warhammer explodes, which I guess is something else the "Knightmare Hammer" does, and I suppose means we're back to our first narrator, who was telling this story to a magic campfire, in plain violation of the edict to not talk about Knightmare. I'm starting to wish more people had obeyed the edict to not talk about Knightmare. What's that, Oracle Flame? Now you're going to tell us a story about Knightmare? Great.
HANDY POST APOCALYPSE DECORATING TIP: Just hang some legs on the wall. G-string coverage is optional.
Oh good, now our horn-hat lady and us, the audience, will learn more about Todd McFarlane's Spawn, and Dagger from Marvel Comics "Cloak & Dagger". No, wait, I mean Knightmare and Dreamshadow! Any resemblance to any other characters is purely coincidental.
Yes, back before society collapsed, our hero Knightmare won a contest and became the super hero Knightmare, while his sidekick Dreamshadow apparently won another sort of contest that involved the splaying of limbs and the jutting of body parts. And now our post-apocalyptic wizardry comic becomes a modern-day superhero comic that also includes sexy evil cat-people. Kind of a bait-and-switch sort of thing. Who says comics aren't deceptive fun?
It's good to know that the narrative powers of the Oracle Flame extend to describing both hilarious super-hero banter and the evil, possibly gay super villain mastermind who watches everything happen from hidden cameras while extending grudging respect towards his enemies.
Meanwhile Knightmare is fighting a hairy furry dude while a furry lady splays her possibly naked limbs for all they're worth. Does this count as naked? Did Mr Kitty's Stupid Comics just get an "R" rating? I can't tell any more.
The evil villian's bomb goes off destroying millions in valuable real estate, killing God knows how many evil henchmen, and making Dreamshadow jut even more than usual. I'd jut too if my eyeballs suddenly enlarged fifty or seventy-five percent!
Knightmare - who is now narrating this story that you will remember is being narrated to us by the magical flame in the year 2057 - Knightmare escaped down a drainage grate that was big enough to fit his gigantic shoulders, and is now being visited by the ghosts of the previous three Knightmares. I guess we're just going to keep making Knightmares until we get one that doesn't die.
Luckily Knightmare read Steve Ditko's "Amazing Spider-Man #33", one of the most celebrated stories of the Silver Age of Comics, in which a trapped Spider-Man finds the strength of will to extricate himself from under a destroyed pile of machinery, and thusly this comic was able to totally, shamelessly swipe that entire sequence in a display of laziness and contempt not often seen in professional comics work.
And just in time, Dreamshadow arrives to make sure this comic doesn't go three pages without spread-eagled lady parts. I'm not saying artists shouldn't use photography for reference, just that maybe on occasion they chould use something besides back issues of "Hustler".
Horn-hat lady still isn't convinced of Knightmare's awesomeness! Actually having a dude explode in her face wasn't enough. It's time for the talking campfire to narrate us another story - and this time jazz it up with some dope rhymes, fool!
Back in 'modern day' the anime eyes still rule and the skirts still lift at the slightest provocation, because if there's one thing we haven't seen enough of, it's this woman's pudenda, seriously it's like gynecologist school up in here. Meanwile in the hospital we saw previously - you know, the one building we've been shown in this comic that hasn't exploded - a little anime-eyed girl is telling a reporter about what happened to her.
So, let's keep on top of things here, the Oracle Flame is narrating the story of the little girl telling a story. Got it.
There she was, happily suffering from a rare blood disease, when into the room came Knightmare and a bunch of machine gun wielding ninjas, all splaying their limbs (if they're lady ninjas).
OKAY, HOLD IT. So now the Oracle Flame is telling us about how the little girl told the reporter about how Knightmare told her what happened earlier at the hospital. This is, like, nested storytelling inside of a shoebox inside of a suitcase inside of a larger suitcase inside a big box. INCEPTION
Remember this comic is for mature readers, so if you're a mature reader, you will probably feel creepy and uncomfortable about this comic showing you a ten year old girl in her underwear. I know I do.
And with some splaying, some spread-eagling, and the judicious use of buttocks, Dreamshadow saves the day. Seems to me in this comic that Dreamshadow does most of the actual super hero stuff while Knightmare gets beat up and poisoned and generally is a loser, but then again, he does have a costume with two pointy metal skulls on his shoulders with fans that dig painfully into his arms, so I imagine his ability to do super-hero stuff is pretty limited.
The little girl has stopped telling the story to the reporter, so we're backing slowly out of the deepest level of our multiple-layer story. We also get to see the cat-woman's nipples pretty clearly here so I guess she is naked after all. Sorry. That's pretty embarrassing, I guess, though not as embarrassing as a "Darkwing Duck" t-shirt under a black trenchcoat, a look that says "I'm staying here in the role-playing game room at the comic book convention all weekend long, Mom!"
So what was the major turning point that made Knightmare into the explodey killing machine he is now, here in the savage future of 2057? Why, marriage, of course! Tune in next time as the magical oracle flame tells us the story of Knightmare telling the story of how he told the wedding planner to tell the caterer to tell the rental furniture supply place to tell their driver to tell his assistant to tell the guy working in the banquet hall to tell his girlfriend to wear something skin tight and to keep her knees far, far apart. Don't miss it!
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