Saddle up pardner and get ready to strap on your six guns and ride mysteriously over the Old West - or the golden age of comics, anyway - dispensing justice!

Just want to confirm one thing before we begin, you can draw people riding horses, right?


Majestically, stiffly, awkwardly posed in the saddle, the White Rider and Superhorse ride uncomfortably like the wind to strike terror into the hearts of evil and to kind of make us think this is some kind of Invisible Wizard cross-burning nonsense what with the emphasis on "whiteness." Hopefully not. Let's see!


Just another classical hand-tooled day in the Old West as the La Pecos stagecoach is held up by thievin' sidewinders riding the owlhoot trail, opposed only by one brave man in a pink hat.


But a blast from a Winchester or some kind of Wild West carbine lays low our behatted would-be champion, struck down tragically in front of his wife and child, his hat changing color in its grief.


It's a whirlwind of gunfire as owlhoots and stage riders blast away at each other like they were in the Wild West Shootout at Knott's Berry Farm! In fact this may have been where they got the idea. We see physics in action as the force of the stage crashing into the bridge knocks a kid into the raging waterfall. Nearby, a young Ralph Nader curses the unavailability of seat belts in the Old West.


Carried by the rushing stream, the boy drifts underground and into the Land Of The Lost, where Sleestaks... wait a minute. He's carried into a strange land and rescued by a majestic beautiful white horse! Say, you can draw horses, right? You know how to draw horses so their bodies and heads and necks all fit together and don't look weird? Because this comic will look kind of goofy if you can't.


Peter learns he's in a strange "lost canyon" featured in what we call a "lost comic book" starring characters that are... well, let me just say that nobody will be reviving them for Hollywood films any time soon.


Because of the extreme depth of the canyon, the pull of gravity is greater, so Peter and Super Horse develop amazing muscles and become, well, super.

This is, of course, the exact OPPOSITE of what happens when you go deeper into the Earth; gravity DECREASES with depth because it's a function of mass and hey, the deeper you go, the less mass there is pulling you down and the mass above you is also exerting gravitational force. Of course, let us not forget that most of the mass of the Earth is its metallic core, and the closer you get to that core, the more gravitational pull you'll be feeling from that core. Of course, let us also not forget that if you got anywhere near deep enough to feel differences in gravitational pull, you would be crushed to death by the pressure after being incinerated by the high temperatures present deep within the mantle. In conclusion, the Earth is a land of contrasts.


Trapped forever in this Lost Canyon, Peter and the Old Man nevertheless have a lifetime supply of ammunition for their plentiful firearms.


Then one day old Jeb was a-looking for some food and up from the ground came a vicious puma who mauled him to death. Next thing you know old Jeb's bleedin' to death. The kinfolks said "holy crap!"


Peter's super developed Lost Canyon muscles make short work of the puma, who also grew up in the Lost Canyon and is logically just as strong as Peter, and... well anyway, the old man dies but just before he dies he reveals that he knew of a way out of the canyon all this time and never told Peter because he was lonely. Yeah, you keep a secret like that from me for years, you BETTER be dying! Because if you aren't, I'll kill you!


Jeb's vague "waterfall" pronouncement has Peter searching every dang waterfall in the canyon, of which there are plenty, and hey, all that water's gotta go somewhere, I don't know why Peter didn't just follow the water downstream to get himself out of this Lost Canyon. But whatever. Soon they've found their way to the outside world! Sarsaparilla and lurid penny novels, here he comes!


Emerging into the surface world, Peter and Super Horse are veritable dynamos of power thanks to their heavy-gravity lifestyle. He spots a wanted poster for the man who shot his father and goes right to the sheriff, who helpfully informs him to (a) get some clothes on, and (b) that wanted murderer with a price on his head, well, he's over at the Rio Forks Hotel. The sheriff would go get him, being a law-enforcement official and all, but there's a lot of paperwork to catch up on. You know how it goes. Well, have fun, naked man.

You'd think it would be tough finding an all-white outfit in the dusty, primitive hamlets of the Old West, and you'd be right, but dammit, he's going to coordinate with his horse no matter the cost! After all the name of this comic is "White Rider", not "Denim And Checked Work Shirt Rider"


Another peaceful card game ruined by pale vigilantes dispensing instant justice from their thundering six-guns. It's getting so we can't have a decent hand of poker any more!


The leader of the gang shows up to investigate the gunfire, opening the saloon door with his freakishly long arm, but his low-down side-windery bushwhacking sanguinary ambuscade of the White Rider is interrupted by Super Horse, who tramples him to death. Seriously? That makes him super? Dang, any horse can do THAT.


And thus the White Rider is born! He'll help the weak and fight the strong! Whether they're good or bad, as long as they're strong he'll fight them, probably by letting Super Horse trample them to death! It may sound harsh, but that's the Code Of The West, young man. Now go fetch the Clorox. It's tough to keep the White Rider always so white!

PREVIOUS STUPID COMICS

NEXT STUPID COMICS

BACK TO STUPID COMICS INDEX

BACK TO MAIN INDEX