One of the perks of wasting thousands and thousands of dollars on old comic books - and there are many, believe me! - is the insight they give us into social mores of the past. Comics aimed at a general audience reflect the values that were seen as important. We don't have boxes filled with disintegrating funnybooks, we're the caretakers of priceless documents offering an invaluable look into the past! At least that's what we tell ourselves. Whatever gets us through the day. Anyway, here's a comic that might not fly today for a few reasons.


Reason number one is the terrifying fashion disaster Veronica is currently embodying, with this outfit that says "a Gerry Anderson character woke up in a Sid & Marty Krofft show involving powder blue cowboys in tights and loafers." Reason number two is Archie practicing for his new career as a privacy-invading paparazzi destined to hound celebrities unto their deaths - and beyond!


Veronica doesn't want to do it except when Betty wants to do it, in which case suddenly Veronica *does* want to do it. The winner is "it" (Archie).


To be a success in today's world Betty has to conform to the beauty standards of the late 1960s, which in this case means Twiggy, famously skinny supermodel and future star of a cameo in the film "The Blues Brothers." Do YOU want to briefly act opposite Dan Ackroyd, Betty? Let Jughead explain further!


Dang Betty, that's like, half your day's calories right there on that one plate! Maybe Twiggy's eating habits aren't too far off the mark.


From then on Betty skipped lunch, to Jughead's advantage. And their school cafeteria has tablecloths. That's weird.


And thanks to the miracle of "starving herself," Betty Cooper is well on the way to being Archie's Number One Girl. Also she's on the way to a crippling life-long eating disorder. Thanks Jughead!


It's that head-turning "about to faint from starvation" look that's turning everybody's heads and causing concern this season!


Not "Betty! Are you all right?" or "Betty! Have you seen your doctor? Do your parents know about this?" No, it's all about the fashion modeling, that's what's important.


Oh, you're so sorry Betty. So very, very sorry. Well, you would be, if you were capable of any human emotions other than "hunger."


That's perfect Betty, you've perfectly internalized that your self-worth as a woman is wholly dependent upon how skinny you can keep your body, which is both your greatest asset and your deadliest foe! Enjoy battling that for the next twenty five years.


As a glamorous supermodel, Betty demands to disco the cocaine-fueled night away at the hottest, most decadent nightspots in town! Or the high school dance, whichever.


And that's the punchline, that Archie would rather spend time with photos of Betty than with Betty herself. So Archie's now a darkroom photo fetishist, Betty has a punishing eating disorder, and Jughead's enabling everybody's worst impulses. Veronica, merely by being Veronica, has become the clear victor in this little psycho-drama. The moral is, be true to your terrible self!

But let's put all this behind us and take a visit to Betty's Dairy! Yes, she has a dairy.


Sorry to get your hopes up, all you fans of Archie characters in agricultural settings, but it was just a typo. Anyway, don't listen to Jughead, enjoy dairy products and hamburgers all you want, and if Archie doesn't like it, tell him to go back to his darkroom.

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