Come with us back in time to the mid 1990s, when everybody who'd been watching Escaflowne on Fox Kids or renting Ghost In The Shell from Blockbuster or catching Rayearth or Sailor Moon episodes at their local anime club, and who also could sit still long enough to put pencil to paper, well, they were trying to draw their own manga. Nothing wrong with that, I was doing it myself. But sometimes ambition and drive aren't enough. Sometimes artwork that maybe should have remained fanzine doodles or sketchbook sketches gets forced out into the world, printed and sold on the open market in front of God and everybody. And that's where we come in. We're Stupid Comics.


Today we're looking at "Tech High", a comic book produced by middle Americans trying to imitate Japanese animation and comics, filtering that unique artistic style through their own culture and skill set, until they wind up with... whatever the hell this is. And that's all we're going to say about the lead feature in "Tech High." We will reserve our disapproval for the responsible adults who at no point said "hey, maybe your art isn't quite ready to be nationally distributed in comic shops, okay?"

What we WILL do is make fun of some of the back-up strips. And that's how you get to see Mega Armor Metal Dolls (tm)!


Nothing screams impending comic book excitement like knowing exact elevations and number of floors- 364, more than twice the stories of the world's tallest skyscraper! - of what we're looking at.


In the cavernous Entertainment Plex we find the six people that inhabit this city-sized building, using their incredible wall-sized TV to flip channels aimlessly.


In the future all women will have identical faces and hair, and will also all have excellent taste in reading material.


Watch a giant TV, read comic books, or soak in the tub? Sounds amazing. Oh, why can't we have these futuristic entertainment opportunities here and now, instead of just dreaming about them?


This is why, when you overclock your RAM to 5000Mhz, you need a heatspreader of pure aluminum for faster heat dissipation, and you're probably gonna want a custom performance PCB for superior overclocking headroom. Do you need all this for 3D Chess? Probably not.


Sylvania is going to join Zenith and Sony in the jacuzzi. But what about RCA? Emerson? Magnavox? GE? Are they coming?


Ladies, you need to sober up, clean up, and get those chins sharpened right away.


Hurry up! It's really important that we drag these two passed-out drunks the five or ten miles to the Jacuzzi Wing of our ridiculously large city-sized building.


Let's go get Canestra, I think I've got a yeast infection. No wait, that's Canesten.


Rule One of comics: Whenever Canestra is not in the panel, all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Canestra?" Also, "Who is Canestra?" and "Who are the rest of these characters, anyway?" and also "WHERE ARE THE MEGA ARMOR METAL DOLLS (TM)???"


Look at the cool effects, says a comic book whose artist just got an oval template and has been dying to show it off


Follow the glowing lady, and she shall lead you to Canestra, who will then reveal the secret, of why this story never ever got anywhere near showing us anything like Mega Armor Metal Dolls (tm)!! Sad news for everyone who rushed out to purchase Tech High #2 hoping for the continuation of the Mega Armor Metal Dolls (tm) saga - this is it, right here, it never went any further, "to be continued" my butt. But, Mega Armor Metal Dolls (tm) weren't the only backup feature helping Tech High make it through three whole issues. There were other, slightly more coherent backups! Like this one.


Well you know my name is Psimon, and the pthings I pdraw come ptrue! (that's a 70s UK cartoon reference, look it up kids). And Psimon is here to see if the human race is going to blow itself up or not! And if they choose "blowing themselves up" hopefully they'll wait until Psimon has left. Good luck, suckers!


Studying the human race on a micrological scale is hard, especially without a microscope! Just keep squinting, Psimon.


Even his GRANDFATHER had more advanced data storage capability - meaning, he knows how to save data to the cloud. Which he then forgets his access password to, or the network goes down, or the cloud storage company goes out of business. But still, at least it isn't an (ugh) optical disk.


You know this guy is an alien when he looks at a girl and thinks "alternatives to optical disk data storage devices."

Holy jeez, they're doing that dot dot dot dragonfly thing, it just screams "I bought a weekly Shonen Jump at the Japanese grocery store in 1987, and it is BLOWING MY MIND."


Sure, I know human government and technology is interesting. But my alien overlords primarily sent me thousands of light years to investigate high school girls' basketball.


Beth has no problem scoring out on the hardwood! She's good for a triple-double every game this season. Yes, we *are* kind of nuts for basketball here, why do you ask?


That Beth. She doesn't care when hundreds of spectators see her execute some sort of complicated basketball maneuver that basketball players probably do all the time (I don't know anything about basketball) but one guy paying her awkward compliments in the hallway freaks her out? Get a grip, Beth.


She's turning down a video she doesn't even know the title of! On the plus side it could be, say, "Sleepless In Seattle" or "Four Weddings And A Funeral." Of course it could also be "Faces Of Death." Which she HAS already seen twice.


Psimon's special power is psionics, the power of ESP and mental telepathy and all that woo-woo thought transference stuff, which is why he has no idea what those girls in the library next to him are whispering about, all his amazing psychic powers can't help him out there.


Mentally forcing two teenagers to kiss isn't the only reason he travelled across the galaxy...just the most important reason.

Also, hey guys, if your crush plants one on you and your first thought is "mommy," then SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP


In MY high school this was called "PDA" or "public display of affection" and it was absolutely forbidden. On the other hand, my high school had a spot in the parking lot specifically designated as the student smoking area. You can see where my high school's priorities were.


Sure, grab a guy, kiss him, slap him, whatever, it's detention either way, you might as well make it worth your time!


I say if it doesn't involve a rented tux, a frightening dress, and a cover band belting out Bon Jovi hits, it doesn't count!


"I can't stand to see a girl cry. So I'll close my eyes so I won't have to see it. There, problem solved."


Buddy, you had a perfect chance to reference the KISS song "Beth" and you blew it! No wonder she's snarling!


Hey Psimon, if you mind control a girl into kissing a guy, crazy teenage hormone emotion activity is gonna ensue. Or don't they have teenagers where you come from?


DAMN Psimon, they don't hold back with the insults on your planet! Now do something about her mom!


"Beth, I apologize, but I hope you understand why I said what I said! It's because you did what you did when he did what he did when you did what you did when I mind-controlled you into it. Now go date Shorty already."


Once again Principal Weatherbee is just a tad too late to catch those shenanigan-causing hooligans. Maybe it's time to put Reggie on hall monitor duty again.


Take the hint, Rogers of the world: pizza and TV does NOT count as a date.


See, it's funny because of an injury sustained in the commission of a violent assault!


Psimon's using his new found observations of human behavior to make time with the Earth ladies! Soon the human genetic code will be hopelessly intermingled with that of amazing ESP aliens and we'll all be mind-controlling each other into embarrassing high school predicaments.

What else can we learn from Psimon? That this story, unlike most other stories in these independently published black and white comics, has a definite ending. It isn't "to be continued," it doesn't waste its time world building or showing us schematics of headquarters or telling us how many floors buildings have. Psimon knows what it wants to tell us and it tells us that story and then it's done. And for this, we thank you, Psimon. May your mental powers forever encourage kissing!

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