We all agree that drugs are a problem. Unless, of course, you have a headache, or some kind of infection, or maybe high blood pressure. So I guess we can all agree that drugs are a problem, sometimes. And when those problematic times happen, that's when our law enforcement officers seek out, detain, and prosecute those who would emproblemate drugs. Well, what happens when even the police aren't enough? That's when we as a society have to ask ourselves if we're ready to take extreme measures, whether we're ready to call upon our most powerful weapon in the war on drugs. And that weapon? Super heroes. Or, more specifically, educational giveaway anti-drug comic books starring those super heroes, which, as we all know, eliminated narcotics abuse forever.


In cooperation with the Federal B.I., Captain America throws his mighty shield and smashes carefully carved lettering made up entirely of compressed diazepam, chlordiazepoxide, alprazolam, and other benzodiazepines! Because when he goes to war against drugs he means he is going to physically smash to bits every drug he encounters. Helping him in this task are the Avengers - not the Avengers you know about, the other Avengers. The punk band.


Somewhere high above the Earth, mysterious figures enjoy one of those weird Captain America TV specials starring Reb Brown. The one with Christopher Lee isn't TOO terrible, and indeed features educational breakage!


In super hero comics characters are able to deliver long, detailed speeches while either leaping through the air or, in the case of Tommy Wiseau on the right there, firing various weapons.


"The ceiling, the floor, wherever you don't see that shield, just start firing! We're bound to hit something!"


You may think Cap doesn't hear all those things you're shouting about him, but he does, and he holds onto those comments, until they become fuel for his violent rage. So keep shouting at Cap!


How exactly does this make the FBI look good? Good at sitting on their butts while some guy in a costume does all the work?


The exciting thrill of alien invasion pre-planning! The wonder of outer space time management and budgeting! The endless mystery of who, exactly, needs this aggravation!


Clinically Depressed Invaders From Outer Space ask the question "Why even BOTHER? What's the POINT?"


Oh no, the pointing hands of the Hand Clan have uncovered the fatal flaw in Earth's anti-alien invasion defense! Namely, that we don't have one.


Willingly, the humans pollute their bodies with addictive drugs, thereby destroying themselves before the aliens can even press the exotic alien triggers on their no-doubt powerful anti-human death rays. And now the alien plan is to pick four young people at random and see if these four young people can resist destroying their lives with addictive drugs! Glad it's not me, if it's a choice between coffee every morning or alien domination, bring on the aliens! Gotta have my coffee.


So if two of these randomly chosen individuals get hooked on pills, two humans out of billions, then this means the human race can be conquered. I don't know if I check your statistical logic on this one, chief, but you do you.


Dear Captain America. Remember back in the 1960s you had a group called the "Teen Brigade" that was sort of a combination fan club, Boy Scouts, and ham-radio snitch network? I hope you do remember, and I hope it's still a thing, because I've been sending emails to it for a while. And now I have a problem - it's not like those other emails, it's a REAL problem - about my friend Mitch and his high school baseball pitching."


Captain America understands that if he can't help ordinary Americans out with their problems, then what's the point of saving all of America from the Red Skull or Arnim Zola or even Aggron?


Of all the things teenagers pick on each other about, I don't believe "throwing a baseball fast" is one I've heard before. "There goes Tommy, that doofus fastball pitcher!"


I realize this is a necessary part of this comic's plot, but this is beginning to look like a really fishy story somebody would tell the cops. "I was just minding my own business standing there on the street corner, and this weird stranger in sunglasses came up and handed me free narcotics. Honest, officer!"


"These drugs come from the same place everybody gets their drugs, America's eleven trillion dollar pharmaceutical industry. Now open wide!"


The next day at the ball game, Mitch is throwing grapefruits, Keith wonders where Captain America is, and the coach is apparently paying zero attention to the game. Way to go coach.


Is "High Heat!" a traditional baseball chant, or is somebody in the stands asking for hairdryer setting advice?


And it's a beanball in the top of the sixth. Why didn't the coach pull that obviously shaky pitcher from the mound? Why aren't there medical personnel already on site at this game? And how many lawyers are currently breaking speed laws racing to the scene of this legally actionable tragedy?


Luckily Captain America is here to... distract the cops into doing their jobs.


First aid for head injuries: 1. Keep the injured person still, and immobilize their head and neck if possible. 2. Stop bleeding with a sterile bandage and firm pressure. And 3. Lean over the injured person to holler spittle-flecked invective at others.


"There are many agencies that could have helped, Keith. And you could have called them. But you called me - and *I* didn't call those relevant agencies either. So I don't even know what sort of lecture I'm trying to deliver here. Now inside there is a boy that needs our support - not the kid with the skull fracture, but that drug-addled pitcher."


You know, you're Captain America, you defeated MODOK and Baron Zemo and saved all of America from that Madbomb thing back in '76, maybe you can let somebody else make an observation without your unnecessary commentary? Maybe, Cap?


So this is what the youth today is talking about when they talk about "krunk", they're talking about punching the mask off a space alien drug pusher. Everything makes more sense now!


Jeez, first you bean a batter, then you encounter a horrifying drug-dealing monster from beyond the stars, and then you gotta face the enraged Baseball Furies from the film "The Warriors." Today is NOT your day, Mitch.


It's vigilante justice meted out at the hands, or the bats, of the opposing team. Guys, this is NOT going to improve his pitching arm.


Captain America - With The Strength Of Twenty Old Men! Not exactly striking fear into the hearts of evil-doers with that slogan, are we?


He might be old enough to be your great-grandpa but the Super Soldier serum has given him the strength to resist the impulse to deliver long, boring lectures. That's too bad, I was hoping for some stats and charts.


Nothing like getting an anti-drug speech from a huge, powerful, seemingly immortal superman who gained his awesome abilities through the application of what we're going to go ahead and call a drug. Nothing ironic about this at all, right?


"Space monster drug pushers? What an imagination. The only space monsters I know of are, let's see, the Skrulls, the Stone Men from Saturn, some big purple guy who eats planets, and CG Josh Brolin with chin appliance makeup, and one of them are drug pushers! Except for that time Josh offered me an edible and I said NO THANK YOU, those things MESS ME UP!"


Sneering at the poorly designed human mask left behind by the fleeing UFOnaut smack dealer, Cap realizes that this astro-narcotics game is going into extra innings! And yes, there was a second issue of Captain America Goes To War Against Drugs, four years later with a different creative team and probably a new set of teens to be tempted by drugs from deep space. Whether those 1990 teens cleaned up their act or not, they aren't teens any more!

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