Was there ever a time when soft drink companies weren't at war for profits, market share and our attention? Have their advertising jingles and colorful logos been a part of our culture since forever? Have we ever been free of their incessant sales pitches and sloganeering? Well, the answers to those questions are no, yes, and no, respectively. Soft drink outfits have been working overtime since day one to convince us all that not only are their drinks healthful and delicious, not only do they fit into a trendy, active lifestyle, but that their production and marketing are a key part of American business, and therefore also part of the inevitable march of progress and freedom. That's a lot of heavy lifting for a soft drink! It's a good thing they have comics to help.


We've always thirsted for something better, like better homes and gardens and better living. And along with those magazines, we've wanted better beverages to slake our thirst- a thirst that can only be satisfied by delicious supply chains, nationally satisfying distribution systems and thousands of cool, refreshing jobs!


Our story begins many centuries ago, when primitive man was forced by necessity to always stay close to his source of drinking water. Smash cut to today, where people carry around gigantic gallon water bottles everywhere all day long. Progress!


Through the years, various cultures have used everything from clay pots, glass bottles, metal containers, rush baskets sealed with bitumen, empty gourds, and animal skins to hold water. But researching all that is hard work, so here's a painted-up Boy Scout canteen.


"Ugh! Hostile natives, starvation, scurvy, malignant insects, wild beasts, exhaustion, disease, and now FLAT WATER? How much more of this can one man stand??"


Soon frontiersmen and trappers from miles around gathered at the spring with the bubbly water, mixing it with their whiskey. So tasty! Years later the spring became famous, so famous this comic doesn't need to mention its name. Maybe somebody's tourist bureau shouldn't be serving Pepsi, is what I'm saying here


For many years the secret of fizzy water eluded mankind's wisest drinkologists. But then one day Mr. Hawkins of the Ye Olde Soft Drink Researche Apothecarie found a possible solution. Is this drink merely delicious, or is it delicious poison? Let's get little Jimmy to find out.


The next time somebody starts talking about how great things were in "the good old days," merely show them this panel, in which a boy is enthused over the flavor explosion of... ordinary water with some bubbles in it. Kinda grim back then, is what I'm saying.


Stressed over the economic downturn? Let Bubbly Mineral Waters relax your worries! ("Bubbly Mineral Waters" was the working name of a famous Lower East Side prostitute)


After decades of research, America's nascent soft drink industry discovers "flavors."


If those syrup scientists discover a really good syrup, then this means tremendous business opportunity for America! And, you know, tasty drinks. But the business! That's the important part.


And then in 1886 Dr. Pemberton invented an amazing syrup that was delicious, exciting, and sure, it had some cocaine in it. But just a little! Let's see if other folks like it.


Soon the new "soft drinks" helped to make the "gay Nineties" super gay as drugstore soda fountains became jam packed with nervous, jittery patrons desperate for some of this new beverage to, uh, help their thirst after they were, uh, playing croquet, that's it. And if you need to take the edge off you can just buy some morphine. Sold right over the counter. It's the 1890s!


American businessmen - soon to crash the stock market and lead the world into a crippling depression - turn their wisdom and insight towards America's vital lack of soft-drink bottling plants.


"Shucks, no! He's in business for himself! He's his own boss! It's just that he's locked into an unbreakable contract that details every aspect of his business and binds him forever to the syrup supplier, that's all."


It brings work and money to locals, encourages trade and refreshment, and increases the general happiness of the population. Coca-Cola? Who said anything about Coca-Cola? I'm talking about the local bootlegger!


DEFINITELY this kid is going into the bootlegger business. Just wait and see the bloody swath he cuts through the competition!


There comes a time in every man's life when he has to sit his nephew down, with a Coke, and explain to him the facts of life, and Coke, and how he should go into the Coke bottling business.


"Those first bottlers would hardly recognize this business today. For one thing, we took out the cocaine. So there's that."


Nowadays every bottle is sanitized by modern high-speed equipment, overseen by random passers-by, who simply beam with excitement.


Here Bob and Betty Barnson of Rapid City SD gape with wonder as they realize over half of their sightseeing trip to downtown Atlanta has been wasted in "The World Of Coca-Cola." (Try the "Beverly" on your way out!)


It turns out the old process of welding those caps firmly onto the bottles was really cutting into profits!


Merely getting the stuff into the bottles is only one part of our plan to conquer the world, Tommy. Yes, I said the world! There's no turning back now Tommy!


Here two Coca-Cola truck drivers realize they could have both just stayed where they were, instead of hauling identical loads of bottles past each other. Well, whatever. They just drive where they're told.


Today, of course, advertising is absolutely inescapable. TV, movies, calendars, magazine ads, posters, billboards, radio ads, window displays, and simple oilcloth signs are all part of the massive ad buys the Coca-Cola Company is forced to make in order to remind people they exist. Look, it took advertising to destroy Pop-O, Bubble-Up and Chero Cola, didn't it?


Instead of digging a bottle out of the bottom of a barrel of ice down at the country store where things move a little slower and there's always time to chat with old Frank about his rutabaga crop, our efficient and streamlined vending machines waste not a minute in providing us with the sugar and caffeine necessary to keep us building and maintaining America's corporate domination.


Wow, says Tommy, getting these bottles into our hands involves a lot! Glad I was born male! Keeping that fridge stocked won't *ever* be my job!


Here's the part where "Pictorial Media Inc" realized they had 24 pages of story to fit into a 16 page comic, and said "to hell with it, just have Uncle John start doodling."


Tommy you amaze me. Your brazen homework theft is really something else!


Which is greater? His incessant questions, or his constant, troubling addiction to sugary treats? Good thing American Business is here to satisfy at least one of Tommy's demands.


This comic is compliments of your friendly neighbor who... he's bottling Coca-Cola next door in his garage? At two in the morning? What the hell, Bob!

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