Rock 'n' Roll has given us many things. Rock 'n' Roll records. Rock 'n' Roll High School. Dick Clarks' Rockin' New Years Eve. All wonderful additions to the shared culture. But any influence with such power must also have its dark side, and that's where we're at today, at the confluence of rock, comics, high school, and poorly thought out printing and finishing decisions.


If you ever go back in time and this is the first thing you see, you'll immediately know it's the 1990s because of the clenched teeth of our heroes, the obsessive-compulsive cross-hatching turning every surface into a shapeless, textured mess, and of course, the metallic inks and silver foil used to try and make this small-time independently produced comic book resemble those of the era's popular books, now available for pennies on the dollar in the discount longboxes of your nearest comic book retailer. Why not help them out and buy some? They make great, um, insulation for any shed or outbuilding that doesn't really need to be up to code. But let's not fall into the "too much talk, not enough rock" trap - onwards!


Since this is a comic book produced by amateurs without professional input, without editorial direction, or without anything except the incessant voice that drives them to bring confusion into the world, Rockmeez #2 just throws us right into the story without introducing the characters, their motivations, their location, or any other helpful information. All we know is that a cartoon character with a hook hand and a fancy-boy mustache wants to stop the Rockmeez and their jam band music. Can't blame him, really.


And here they are in a two-page spread designed to both introduce heroes and fill up pages, the Rockmeez, a rock band made up of rock people. Get it? The only question is, were these rock-people rockers first introduced as ballpoint pen doodles during English class, or in study hall?


You can tell it's the 90s because everything is "ultimate" this and "ultimate" that. That decade really ruined the word for other decades.


Cre-cow! Splick! Thudow! Are all these weird sound effects distracting you from the guy with the swastika seemingly carved into the top of his head? No?


Not just butt-kicking, but RHYTHMIC butt-kicking. Put this in an exercise studio, throw some yoga mats around, and you could charge upwards of $85 an hour for this!


Well of COURSE we all saw how the Pyrites trapped ships on page 19 of issue #1. Do you get it? Pirates - "Pyrites"? Huh? Get it? Pretty clever bit of wordplay, huh? No? No.


PRO COMIC TIP: A great way to kill two more pages is a overhead view of the surrounding fifteen or twenty square miles. Just throw some huge black spaces randomly, and you're set!


But all that in-rhythm pummelling did the Rockmeez no good and they have been captured, and now they are back where they were nine pages ago. This may be our first hint that this particular comic book story might be light on the actual "story."


All is not lost, however, because the Rockmeez's metal... robot... dog? Metal robot dog roadie? is here to save them.


Can't most of life's problems be solved with a submachine gun? Sure. It'll just cause other, different problems.


Wow, so one old hunting rifle or cheap Saturday Night Special and we might have been spared this entire "captured by Pyrites" story arc. Let's hear it for guns!


Emotional distress can somehow be converted to physical force. And we're spelling it "expresso" now. I guess hoping for any glimpse of realism in this comic about talking rock people who perform the ultimate jam, well, that's just foolishness on my part.


NOTE: this is the only time in history anyone ever thought about the Rockmeez and said "come back."


Hold on now, these grunting, barely verbal rock-rockers are teachers? Suddenly the decades of falling test scores make a little more sense.


Sadly, a sky filled with blasting, concentrated yellow rays wasn't able to burn away the piles of green moss or algae that seems to be overrunning whatever town these rock people hide out in.


I'd say any elevator in a suburban home is "special." This one has rock people in it, I guess that's extra special?


So elevator music turns rock people into normal humans? You know it seems like we're always hearing this schmaltzy, waltz-time Muzak these days. Maybe we're all rock people, being forcibly held in our human forms!


Here they emerge in their "teacher" forms. Or in some cases, their "Urkel" forms.


They all live in the same house and drive to school together in the same small used car? I know rock people teacher salaries are low, but this is ridiculous!


And just when you are settled in, ready for the remainder of this comic to be filled with hilarous high school comedy fun, well, sorry. It's time to go to Florida.


You might have questions about how exactly this whole "pick up a car from the inside" thing works, but a lot of old cars have extensive rust damage to the floor panels. Get that vehicle inspected before you buy! There, now you can't say the Rockmeez weren't helpful.


Slowly, methodically, the ultimate sound along with the ultimate frisbee and the ultimate driving machine combines to return the Rockmeez to their Rockmeez state.


See, it's star shaped because they are rock stars, and... sigh


But let's halt our boring story and pause for some boring backstory as particles emerge from a star and slam into the planet Earth. Generally we call this "sunlight," but I think this story is...

Hold on, I'm being told that we are pausing our pause for an advertisement! Stay tuned!


This Fun-Plex seems like a great time for kids and adults, with mini golf, bowling, arcade games, skating, movies, and billiards. However, this full page ad doesn't bother to give us any information about where this place is, or how to get there, or how to contact them in any way. I guess the Fun-Plex just wants us to know it exists.

And now back to our story, such as it is.


As time went on these energy particle rock things developed intelligence, volleyball skills, boom box computers, and rock-on-rock sex acts.


And of course their civilization built a gigantic crystal dome to house their geothermally heated tropical paradise where they can, ultimately, perfect the hottest blend of great musical influences, which is, of course, "Swing the Mood" by Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers. Also, describing it all is a great way to really burn through some more pages in your already thinly-plotted comic book.


Seems to be a lot of chaos in the streets below, land us on top of that one building, yes I know we're so high we're literally in orbit and cannot see streets or buildings, just do it.


Florida is a hellhole of disaster and wreckage - but enough of what's going on in the governor's office. Just look at the street here!


well, if you don't know how to end your comic book, just wrap things up with another two page spread as our heroes meet Spawn and Lil' Spawn and Rockface Glenn Danzig and rock trichotillomania girl and green concrete Scotsman! And they all go out for a group dinner, is what I hope happens in the third issue of Rockmeez. Yes, there was a third and even a fourth issue of this comic. God help us. But first, one more ad.


I honestly can't tell if this is an actual Dr. Pepper ad because if I was Dr. Pepper, I don't know if I'd want my brand of uniquely-flavored soft drink associated with a confusing mess of a comic book about rock people who disguise themselves as teachers, but who also rock out with ultimate jams. Then again, who knows what soft drinks want? See you at the Fun-Plex, kids!

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