In the chronicles of mid-century British crime, many heinous deeds are recorded. But none are so especially heinous as when unscrupulous annual publishers sought to fill six pages with barely understandable nonsense concerning an attempt to fix a local game of football- an offense of stakes so low that any attempt to sink to greater depths would, no doubt, require a shovel. Prepare yourselves for locally-sourced criminality!


Well, be fair, this *is* the League Cup match, a verrrry important game. Boring pub conversations for at least an entire year hinge on the outcome of this crucial match. Simply tremendously vital to, let's see, people who can't quite work up anything to say about the weather.


He'll be sorry for this... impromptu folk-dance challenge that's abruptly broken out here in the road. Sudden-onset Morris dancing can happen at any time in the British Isles, so my advice to visitors is - stay limber!


Porcroft has an interesting strategy of winning, not by outperforming on the playing field, but by ambushing key opposing players on the streets, where there aren't any referees. No refs, no penalties! Pretty smart.


A SILLY CAT APPEARS


Sure, Porcroft COULD use that money for better equipment, experienced coaches to improve their own team, all that boring sports management stuff. But let's face it, bribery is less work.


"Keep mum about this payoff, young Paul. I shan't mention it, as it would cause bad feeling among the other chaps...mostly because I just got a fat stack o'cash that they aren't going to see any of. Now, how much to keep you quiet?"


Adamant upon never missing another game, Paul finally had to hang a little sign in his dressing room to remind him that today is "The Day Of The Match."


Paul and Stewart go in search of the missing Alan and find that what's missing is any sense of neatness of cleanliness in Alan's room. I'd hide too if I was this messy!


If you're looking to pick up a few weekend shifts at the old mill, you're out of luck, unless you're interested in the noon to six kidnap shift.


This panel is brought to you by bicycles. Bicycles! They'll get you to those bucolic rural crime scenes.


If you have a sequence involving hiding things, seeing things, climbing things, well, just make that panel a caption and save yourself the work of drawing two kids climbing up the outside slats of a mill that, let's face it, ought to be locked up on the weekends to prevent exactly these kinds of shenanigans. Get with it, millers.


Back in the day automobiles could be started - and stolen- with the mere touch of a button. Then the manufacturers decided we'd have to use keys instead, and we spent fifty years fumbling around desperately for car keys while holding bags of groceries, sometimes in the dark, sometimes with various horror movie threats looming suspensefully behind us, closer and closer. And now, cars have push-button ignition again! That's progress.


"Now to bolt inside and dash the blighter out. Wait, I said that wrong."


You did hear a noise. You heard two teenagers discussing how they were going to give you a traumatic brain injury, which explains the jitters.


One TBI coming right up. Or down, to be precise!


I suppose if you can just climb up and down the blades of a windmill, there isn't any point in locking the doors on the weekends, is there.


Not sure who's hitting who here, or why one is insulting the other by referring to them as a tornado.


Of course, if Paul and Stewart had phoned the police in the first place, the story would be over by now. They would have missed out on a great bicycle ride!


Hey creative team, you just described this in a caption, why are you drawing it?


Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title. Also, a really polite arrest.


Hey, I think they discovered a great way to make soccer more exciting - just add bribery, kidnapping, and a fistfight in front of an old mill! That would really spice up these 1-0 games.


Thanks to you chaps, and the coach who seems to have only ever spent any training time with one player, Wendale wins this vitally important match. Maybe putting all your eggs in one basket IS a winning football strategy?

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