Get ready for some Kiddies Kristian Komics... er, I mean, Christian Comics, where we're going to take a peek into the twisted branches of the family tree of Barney Bear, not the adult, non-denominational MGM characer but the solidly Protestant, glassy-eyed child bear brought to us by preeminent Christian Archie artist Al Hartley!


As we ponder Barney's dad's weird lower teeth, we can also debate whether that's forced perspective or whether Barney's dad built a treehouse way too tiny for even a baby bear to fit into.


ewww I do not wanna hear about these hairy bears spilling their seed all over the country.


Yeah Barney's Dad, families tend to spread out when you're dropping your seed everywhere.


Don't wanna stereotype or anything but I suspect Lumberjack Bear didn't drop much seed around lady bears


"Some" teachers got booted out of the fascistic public education system just for demanding their students invite Jesus into their lives every lunchtime. Or hey, maybe she teaches Comparative Religion at the local college? Let's be generous to Bear Miss Grundy.

The fire plug belongs to the police bear in the next panel but I like to think she's been forced to teach the gospel out on the sidewalk in front of PS 29.


They built flagpoles and churches, but I guess they had to wait for humans to come along and build actual houses to live in; before that they just lived in caves because they're bears.


And uh... that's pretty much it.


That's OK guys, just wait for the humans to come along and make the shopping centres for you.


Those glassy eyes tell me exactly what kind of "medicine" you get from plants, Barney's Mom.


Not the same tree, though.


That's why we always separate our enemies' families before we set them on fire!


I'm sorry, how is this showing us anything about "getting along together"?


Trees are like families, once you chop them up and turn them into logs to throw them into the fireplace


"How I wish she'd just give me socks or something for a change"


Pray especially hard for the lady bear who's so depressed she hasn't removed the curlers from her hair in 6 years.


Last known image of that fawn before its remains were found mysteriously mauled, as if by a large, hairy creature, whose whereabouts are still unknown.


Barney and his parents gather to reverently witness the horrifying spectacle of anthropomorphized trees, given freakish approximations of faces by a cruel wizard, in the throes of mass delusions of grandeur.

(The cruel wizard is God)


Turns out, they don't really think they're going to pull their roots out of the ground and walk over to Washington DC to run for office, they just want to die.


Look, I don't wanna cast aspersions or anything, I just want you to ruminate on this following passage from The Divine Comedy, in which Dante describes Lucifer:

Oh, what a wonder it appeared to me
when I perceived three faces on his head.

REALLY MAKES YA THINK.



Eventually, Uncle Freezie gave up trying to persuade the godless penguins to put on some clothes and got a job as the Icee mascot.


That's right, the Bear family has even gone to preach the word of God to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the federal and national police service of Canada. Those godless... Mounties?

They also preach the word of God to: Fisher Price little people, international rugby mascots, and a snowman built by the godless penguins to distract Uncle Freezie.


yikes


uhhh well there's the lumberjack bear from a few pages back?


Remember folks: domestic violence only occurs in atheist homes!

Gotta say, it's a bit of a stretch to interpret "Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked" to mean "believe in God or your whole family will die" but I'm no biblical scholar.


Proverbs 22:6 does say, "yea, it is written, pray for the stupid little bear and his whole crazy-eyed family, or else Al Hartley will ruin more Archie characters."

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