How dare we presume to make fun of some of the most beloved children's toys ever created? How can we impugn the fond playtime memories of generations of youth? Again I ask - how DARE we?

Well, if that's what was happening, I'd think we were way out of bounds. But making fun of beloved childrens toys, we are not. Instead, we're making fun of these things.

You remember Koosh Balls? Those things Rosie O'Donnell used to fling out into the audience of her talk show? You know, Rosie O'Donnell? You remember her, right? She was in movies with Madonna and played Betty Rubble in that live-action Flintstones movie, and... yes, there was a live-action Flintstones movie. There were TWO live-action Flintstones movies. What can I say? It was the 90s.

Anyway. Here's Koosh Kins, which are Koosh Balls except instead of being merely rubber balls festooned with rubber filaments that make the ball easy to catch and unlikely to bounce, now they have faces and arms and discrete consciousnesses. And they're coming to Earth!

Sure, all teens have to deal with weird blobs suddenly appearing from out of nowhere. But enough about acne. What about these space alien Koosh people??

Trish isn't a legless, abhorrent travesty of life whose every being calls into question the omnipotence of a deity that would bring forth such abominations into the world? Forget I asked!

There are plenty of fun date ideas that don't cost a lot of money, like bicycle riding, local parks, or using your tiny alien friends to embark upon a crime wave. But girls wouldn't want to do THAT.

It's a fact; most alien life forms are just like humans, in that we're all glued to the TV show about camcorder mishaps, cute animals, and practical jokes.

Don't fret, Zak. You are STILL a geek.

NOTE: "GEEK TO FREAK" IS COPYRIGHT 1991 ODDZON PRODUCTS INCORPORATED.

You might be cool with that crazy hairdo and the jean jacket, but you'll never be as cool as a koosh person from outer space, casually glancing over his sunglasses.

Alien beings hide in our trees and plot the downfall of all womanhood. Koosh Kins! Available wherever weird toy spin-offs are sold.

I see their plan. Zak stars in hilarious prank video, Zak sends video into funny home video show, Zak waits for his video to work its way through the pile of submissions until the producers of the funny home video show get to preview the video and select it for broadcast, Zak's prank video is screened, the audience chooses it as the winner, the funny home video show's business affairs department cuts Zak a check, and the check is mailed to Zak's home. Then Zak can pay for the date, six to eight weeks from now!

Just stay cool and take your cues from sunglass-sporting torso-challenged spaceballs- that's good advice for all young people everywhere.

Looks like Zak is ready to appear on Saturday Night Live - he's reading those cue cards as well as most of their guests!

Babe! Love what you're doing here with the crazy outfit and the shoes tied together. It's magic, sweetie! But this pie thing. It's too much! You've got too much going on, the viewer at home, he can't pick the zinger out of a pile, you've got to deliver that zinger with a big red bow on it, you know? Babe!

And with this - the pie in the face gag that actually predates television itself, with roots as far back as the dim early days of vaudeville and the music hall - with this hoary gag delivered by mad balls (tm) from space, space balls (tm), if you will, the Funny Home Video prize is won by none other than the twelfth President of the United States, Zachary Taylor.

Zak! It doesn't matter if you humiliated yourself beyond all recovery, if your dignity and worth as a human is forever tarnished by your desperate grasp for fame. You've got a date with a girl! To a movie!

And now the lust for attention and cash has turned Zak's entire life into "content". Welcome to 2023 Zak, your reality show contract is ready for you to sign! Or you could just take the advice of the Koosh Kin here and simply not do it. By a weird coincidence, "not doing it" is what kids did to the Koosh Kins, which came and went without leaving a mark on our popular culture, in much the way you can really huck a Koosh Ball at somebody and it won't leave a mark either! So the next time you see a Koosh Ball in the checkout line at Toys R Us, go ahead, let your grubby fingers wander through its extrusions, and spare a thought for their lost Kins.

Their lost Kins GRINBY, SCOPES, BOINGO, GEE GEE, SLATS, and TK, which, of course, are trademarks of ODDZON PRODUCTS INC ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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