England faced many problems in the 1940s. World war, colonial unrest, depression, unemployment, and most importantly, a host of supernatural curses delivered by quasi-mythical beings and wizards and witches of every stripe. Legions of Scotland Yard investigators moved across the land to confront this threat head-on, and this is one of their stories, taken directly from the absolutely authentic files of totally real things that actually happened.


well, HERE's your problem, buddy, you installed your Home Depot Inflatable Witch Yard Decoration (catalog number IW-04296-77619) on the INSIDE of your house instead of the outside! You're in dreadful danger from that incessant fan noise alone!


Seriously though, Lord Cragston Baron Featherly Cragmore-Whitsmythe here, well, he's just seen his son murdered by a witch! Or rather, the curse of the ghost of a witch that hangs over the legend of Kenniston Crag, a curse he scoffed at but now he believes happened 500 years ago, let him just flash back a few centuries to explain.


History comes alive as the actual real life Burger King is forced to adjudicate the mysterious death of a child. Obviously, since medievial times were well known for their low child mortality rates, it must be witchcraft. The old hag's decision to cosplay as She-Hulk that day is not helping!


"Sentence you to the flame wheel" is just olden times talk for "working a double shift on the grill at the iffy Burger King franchise in the bad part of town." Which is a death sentence - for your fast food management career!


Seems like a waste of a perfectly good wheel, but who am I to question the capital punishments of bygone ages? Unable to legally prevent the accused from cursing, now the Duke's family will have to watch out for that hundred-year descendant blotting.


"I'm a rational man Bentley, I like ordinary conversations, normal cuppas, regular old fireplaces, and visible murderers, not this phantom invisible strangulation business. It's simply not cricket."


"We were all too stunned. I was the first at his side, but he was already dead. Then I started rehearsing what I was going to say to you about it later. Or maybe somebody turned this into a dialog balloon instead of a caption. It happens."


So Lord Rothmere witnessed a murder in his own home, and then got in his car and drove hours away to find Inspector Bentley, and now they are going to spend hours driving back to Kenniston Crag. It's this casual, unhurried approach that makes England a choice destination for weird murders.


Approximately six hours after the murder, Bentley "immediately" inspects the corpse, assisted by his suddenly-huge skull.


Wondering if they were really British or not? Stopping everything for a spot of tea will solve that particular mystery.


The entire family calmly sitting around sipping tea next to a freshly murdered corpse? This family doesn't need Scotland Yard, it needs... what's a famous British psychiatric institution? One of them.


And now if you'll excuse Bentley, he'll put down the teacup he's holding in an exceedingly twee fashion and go see how many corpses you've let pile up in the library over the past two or three months.


Shoddy drywall, faulty wiring, poor insulation, nothing will escape Inspector Bentley in his HGTV debut as the host of a brand new home renovation reality series!


Hey writers! Why use common phrases like "appears" when you can easily dress things up by dropping in something like "resolves itself?" Let Inspector Bentley Comics show you the way towards more pretentious prose.


It's sword cane versus floating dagger in an exciting martial arts duel to the death. You remember that cane Bentley was carrying, right? The one that appeared out of nowhere so he could start tapping walls with it? Well, that thing has a sword in it.


"Did I see anybody about... what? My crippling arthritis? My speech impediment? My addiction to morphine? Be more specific, Bentley!"


Ooh, this is the part in every murder mystery where the detective gathers everyone into the study to reveal he's cracked the case and that the murderer is right there in that room! Or maybe there really is a witch's curse. Did anyone check to see if a bunch of Rothmeres died a hundred years back?


Inspector Bentley knows the murder - er - do you? Extra question mark? Choose carefully and then turn the page to see if you guessed right! Extra question mark?!


Sir Roderick has been murdering people and covering it up by dosing everybody with an exotic drug - an exotic drug that Inspector Bentley is already familiar with, because like all top Scotland Yard detectives, he is hopelessy addicted to a wide variety of narcotics.


Sir Roderick was clever, but not quite clever enough to "accidentally" spill tea on his suit giving himself the perfect excuse to change clothes.


Boy, that sword-cane just magically appears whenever the story demands it. I need a sword-cane like that!


Every time Bentley bends over his head gets a little bigger. Maybe it's those Indian narcotics.


Word spacing is a delicate art in which the meaning and intent of lines of text can be either emphasized or confused, isn't that correct, Miss Bent? Look out for those evil historians and those witch curses and that flaming death, everybody!

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