Comics are many things. Momentary distractions for kids, iconic modern myths speaking to the hopes and fears of generations, a few dollars per page to a creator, or sometimes an attempt to turn the adventure and excitement of children's playtime into a thrilling narrative. And you know what, sometimes wishes don't come true.


I guess this calls for some explanations up top. Back in the 1960s there was a toy line from Ideal called "Captain Action," complete with GI Joe style uniforms, vehicles and accessories, which isn't surprising as Captain Action was created by the guy who came up with GI Joe for Hasbro. Captain Action's merch included costumes for a variety of cartoon and comic book heroes, whose marketing rights were licensed by that same toy creator. It's called "synergy," kids. The Captain Action line only lasted a few years but was beloved by boomer kids, some of whom grew up and decided that Captain Action needed to return to the world in the form of an independently published B&W direct-distribution comic book. And here we are now, this is it! Sure, if you don't already know who Captain Action is, you will have no idea of who these characters are, what they do, or what "A.C.T.I.O.N." is an acronym for. But I'm positive that these characters and what made them so iconic for legions of 60s kids, it will all be explained, probably in the inescapable introductory text feature that these indy black and white comics insisted upon including.


Well, no. No explanation of who these people are or where they came from or how much fun it was playing with Captain Action and his vehicles and accessories. None of that. Just a fervent hope that no one's purchasing this comic book hoping it'll increase in value as a collectible. Which is a good thing to hope for, because that is not happening. Anyway, I'm sure once the story gets going this will all be explained digetically! Which is, I think, what happens when a character named "Dieget" tells us everything.


They sent Stu out to look for tanks in the snow, it was like a snipe hunt, but with more frostbite. And then he went and found some! Classic Stu.


This is Icehouse to Santa Claus, Icehouse to Santa Claus, looks like that delivery of our 1990s style "ice beer" won't be making it to the North Pole this year, over. And no, this won't do for relations! Or for a coherent sentence!


I told them that chain link fence wasn't going to stop a determined moose, let alone Russian tanks. Did they listen? No.


Wow, blowing up a tank with one shot from a rifle? Enough of those things and you won't need that chain link fence after all!


Wolf and Eagle are going to take that robot arm and use it to become guests on the popular cable access TV show "Check It Out" hosted by Dr. Steve Brule. Which is what I wish I was enjoying right now, instead of plodding through this comic book.



Soon, above the earth... we're trying to find out who built this fantastic electro-robot hand, who all these people are, and how they have a space station, and what "A.C.T.I.O.N." stands for. Because we still don't know, comic book, why not tell us already?


"What time do you get off duty, and how did you suddenly change from man to woman between panels?"


Eagle and Wolf are called to the control room to begin this comic's cycle of telling the reader things it has already told the reader. For reasons of action.


Didn't I tell you this Captain Action comic starring the A.C.T.I.O.N. Force was going to be explaining things two and three and four times? Well I'm telling you again! It's a kind of action, I suppose.


Alert all main force agents to stand by to be "picked up" by the nine year old who has us all arranged in his backyard, is what we'd say if this was a more interesting story.


Agent Fox is on A.C.T.I.O.N. Force assignment, purchasing vintage collectible Captain Action accessories on the black market.


When your Captain Action comic is lacking both captains and action, well, throw in a two page spread of Captain Action himself on board his amazing Silver Streak vehicle, sure to thrill the hearts of all the former 60s children who remember playing with this toy, and confuse the hell out of everyone else. Note that the Black guy is named "Boomer" because somebody saw an episode of "Battlestar Galactica" and figured that was just a normal Black guy name.


Oh, I see somebody watched "Star Trek" as well as "Battlestar Galactica."


"In all my years with the force I never have... understood what "A.C.T.I.O.N." is an acronym for! Maybe in this 'conferance' room meeting somebody will finally explain it!"


"I interrupted all your important missions and teleported you here from every corner of the Earth so we could sit down at this table and have a meeting that could have easily been an email or a conference call. Oh, and Agent Shark is dead."


"He was killed on a mission this morning, just take my word for it, we had a lot of talking scenes to get through so we couldn't show you whatever it was that killed Agent Shark. Or who he was or what he was doing for whoever this agency is and whatever it is we do, which is still a complete mystery even though we're on page twelve of this incredibly wordy comic purportedly all about "action."


Crying? There's no crying in the A.C.T.I.O.N. Force! You're off the team, Blackbird! I can't have it jepardised! Having it jepardised would be the werst!


Captain Action points out correctly that none of them are machines. They are all 11 and a half inch action figures that, depending upon the accessory set purchased, can be dressed up like Captain America, Superman or Buck Rogers.


Too lazy to flip back twelve pages to the beginning? Here's a recap. ANOTHER recap, I mean. Because action, or something


Anyone who can teleport men and machines around like we do has got to be a true genius! (everyone looks around smugly). And that's not all!


They managed to extrapolate the entire robot man out of just a few parts. It's a rather frightening little picture... when it first appeared in the Terminator movies, or maybe that Barry Windsor Smith Machine Man comic from a few years back. Now? Not so much.


"Imagine the nerve of those top military officials, wanting to know things. Things like "who we are" and "what we do!"


The A.C.T.I.O.N. Force goes into action as identical men in identical A.C.T.I.O.N. Force suits mill around talking about how they're going to go places and talk to people. These are exactly the kind of far-out adventures you'd be imagining your set of Captain Action adventure figures would be having, if you had a set of Captain Action adventure figures, and if you also didn't have much of an imagination!


Here at the Free Range Hospital, the prevailing attitude towards the healing arts is to just let the patients roam around.


I've never seen a comic book so intent upon constantly reminding us what happened on page three! We get it, Russian tanks, Icehouse 2, Alaska!


Don't interrupt him, dramatically lit Eagle, we forgot what happened in Alaska again!


I think this means that A.C.T.I.O.N. Force agent Eagle is actually working for the bad guys here, but it's difficult to tell because these guys all kind of look the same.


Uh oh, Eagle is going to use lots of amazing secret agent martial arts in what's shaping up to be a terrific fight scene! Finally some of the "action" promised in the title!


And no, we cut away to an evil island in a misspelled sea where our evil villains are going to explain their global domination plans. No action for you.


Back when Captain Action was a toy, his nemesis was Doctor Evil, a bizarre green dude with an exposed brain. Is this the new Doctor Evil, sporting a new, regular skull? Or should we just relax because this comic book hasn't introduced any characters yet, why should it start now?


Let's not waste another minute's time! Those minutes don't have a lot of time to spare.


What we do have time for is time to fill up another two pages with action figures in their action figure vehicle flying around to get to the house that they could have just teleported to, since they have a teleport thing, but oh well.


A remote Kenyan village - native or otherwise - doesn't seem like a center of robotic and cybernetic engineering, but what do I know?


He's not! Not yet! But he will be soon! What exactly he will be is not specified - itchy? Obsequious? Lutheran?


What was once a remote, isolated research facility / suburban house is now ironically filled to capacity with gun toting strangers as this comic book comes to a close without ever acknowledging its origins as a toy line, without ever mentioning that the toy line was the intellectual property of Leisure Concepts Inc, without mentioning that this same company would later change its name to "4K!DS" and license Pokemon, and without telling us who our heroes are or what they do or where they come from or why we should care, or even what A.C.T.I.O.N. stands for. I suppose readers will just have to wait sixty days for these revelations, and for the coming of... LAZERHAWK!


Beginning Next Issue: Jan-Michael Vincent is Michael Jackson starring as Lazerhawk. Except, you guessed it, there never was a next issue. Maybe Lightning Comics received a certain letter from Leisure Concepts... or more specifically, their lawyers?

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