The following is a transcript of actual trial court testimony! For best results make your own "Law And Order" sound effects where necessary.

(PROSECUTION)
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Today I intend to prove to you beyond the shadow of a doubt that the comic book you see before you is undeniably guilty. Yes, guilty of perpetuating a fraud that plagues us all, that strikes at the very heart of the trust and good will that underlies our very civilization itself, the crime of misrepresentation, of false advertising, of promising one thing and delivering something entirely different. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Ninja.


As you can all see, our defendant is clearly labeled "Ninja." On the cover we see what appears to be a woman dressed in characteristic garb and carrying some sort of curved blade, both reminiscent of the ninja, those fierce masked assassins from Japan so prevalent in the popular culture of that most enlightened time, the 1980s. We are even given the laziest signifier of Asian folkways, the "yin-yang" symbol, clearly indicating Oriental martial arts and all that entails. I think you'll agree that any reasonable person would expect, upon purchasing this item, that they'd be enjoying exciting ninja adventures.


And yet as this comic book begins, we see no hint of anything masked or bladed or Ninja'd. Instead, we start with unidentifed voices talking about employment applications. Hardly the hallmark of ninjutsu of any kind.


We're intelligent people here. We can deduce that the topic of unseen conversationalists is this young woman, and that in spite of her Western name she's Asian, and that she was, as they say, "trained by Lo Wei." Undoubtedly this Lo Wei is the prolific Hong Kong martial arts film director who helmed such films as The Big Boss, Fist Of Fury, and The Killer Meteors. So we might assume we are taking one step closer in the direction indicated by the cover, yes? Is this a safe assumption? Let's see.


Here we have the basketball court. One step forward, two steps back. Is this merely the legendary misdirection of the wily ninja? It will be for you to decide.


You're reasonable people, ladies and gentlemen. I ask you, where in the lore and legend of the Ninja does a US Army recruiting slogan fit? Is it before the part about hiding in a stream and breathing through a bamboo reed, or is it after the section on using the chain-and-scythe "kusarigama"?


I ask you to bear with me here, Judge, we are getting to the core of my case. Right here we see three panels of standing and staring and "it's so quiet here." The prosecution maintains, your honor, that this- and this is the core of the people's case here, your honor - this comic does not contain any ninjas! No ninjas whatsoever!


Sure, there's a flashback to what appears to e an exciting episode of the A-Team. Certainly an example of the action genre. But ninjas? Nowhere to be seen. And please, spare us the whole business of how ninjas are secret spies who hide and wear disguises and that's why they're not visible. Consumers didn't buy this comic book expecting to play Where's Waldo! Which had barely even been released at this time.


Unless the Army's force retention programs are being run by hooded assassins using throwing stars and poison darts, I can safely say we are still far from our goal.


I think we've all been there, we've paid a dollar fifty for a comic book and we sit down to read it, and it leads with a flashback and then there are more flashbacks until we get to the actual story beginning, and it begins with a character literally telling us to remember something that happened in the past. It is like wading through quicksand, just a tedious, grinding, exhausting slog that lacks narrative momentum, and sadly, is entirely bereft of ninjas.


Back, back to when our main character Kate was battling her noted film director grandfather in the yard with ninja swords. Leave grandpa alone, he's got to get to work on "Fearless Hyena II."


Again here's our defendant teasing us with the karate-kung fu action so necessary for any ninja narrative. I ask you to not fall for these obvious tricks.


How many comic books will baldly state that children can and should dodge shotgun blasts? Not many, I hope.


What says ninja excitement like... deciding whether or not to re-enlist in the Army? Most things, to be honest.


Kate's eyes narrow in suspicion, as do all our eyes, as we realize that we are on page sixteen before this script decides to actually start moving in any particular direction. And that direction, I may remind you all, is not towards Ninjatown.


Perhaps the officer here doesn't want revenge? Ninja-themed revenge? Look at how far this perpetrator is willing to tease its victims with its baseless promises. Instead the advice is to go and do whatever it is Army people do on their time off.


I will give this comic credit, it does deliver on what soldiers do on their downtime - drinking, and lots of it.


Ladies and gentlemen. This comic book is titled "Ninja." There is a ninja on the cover. Would you feel you'd gotten your dollar fifty's worth if you'd purchased this comic and found it to be a discourse upon re-enlistment and a botched prisoner exchange of Soviet and American agents, none of whom are ninjas? I don't believe I would.


We don't want much from our comic books, but every once in a while some explanation of who's doing what to who where and when might perhaps be useful.


I'm going to ask the jury to look past the tight, competent inks and the well-referenced bar and remember one simple thing. Ninjas. They're not here.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I've taken you on a long journey here, from offices to other offices to bars, interspersed with flashbacks and narratives, using the graphic story arts to portray a story of a highly skilled US Army soldier in a moment of personal and professional crisis, deciding to put her career on the line and take unsanctioned action to rescue a teammate. Nowhere in this twenty four pages has the writer or the artist lived up to the promise made by this comic book's cover. It's a simple promise, one that could have been fulfilled in any one of the panels wasted showing people walking silently or standing silently or, as we see here, sitting silently inhaling the last of their domestic beers. And yet, this comic failed, and I submit that this failure was deliberate, that they set out to lure the paying audience with fashionable images of Asian death-dealing assassins, and then, their buck-fifty in hand, the mix-up. The fraud blatantly perpetrated, brazen in the face of readers and retailers alike. For how long are we expected to sit idly by and let comic books bait and switch the American public? I say this should stop here and now, and I ask you to look deep within your hearts and deliver the only verdict this evidence will allow, and that verdict is guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Your honor, the state rests its case.

(JUDGE)
Thank you. I'd advise the jury to keep his remarks in mind as we continue. And now, we'll hear from the defense.

(DEFENSE COUNSEL)
Well now. You've all heard a lot of talk about the defendant. About the defendant and their failure to deliver on a promise, a promise of ninjas. And I'm not gonna lie. That evidence our friend the prosecution showed you, well, it didn't have a lot of ninjas in it. In fact there wasn't nary a one. It seems like this might be an open and shut case! Except for one thing. And that one thing is ANOTHER ISSUE of the comic book Ninja. Might there be more to this story? Let's find out together, shall we?


Here's the cover. We're all the way to issue six! Now I know what you're scribbling down in your little juror note books, you're saying, sure, there's a ninja on the cover. There was a ninja on the cover of the last one we looked at, that don't mean nothin'. Might be another bait and switch. We're just gonna have to look inside.


Well now! Do a little light reading and you'll discover a few things! For one thing our main character, her code name is "Ninja"! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your honor, spectators, folks at home, if we can't title a comic book after the main character's code name, then I ask you what kind of country do we live in? Now sure, you might say code names don't mean much, especially if you think about how "Sarge" is the code name for a Lieutanant, I'd want my code name changed to reflect my rank, if that was me. But it's not.


If that wasn't enough here we see that "Ninja" is a registered trademark! They went all the way to Washington DC to stake their claim to own the term "Ninja"! Now maybe some Japanese folks might have something to say about that. Did any of these fine people behind this comic wind up ninja-sword slashed or stuck with ninja throwing stars or poisoned by ninjas in the rafters dripping poison down a string in the middle of the night? I don't believe so!


And right here we have the second piece of evidence to prove my client's innocence, this double page spread starring our title character in her title character ninja outfit doing title character ninja stuff, delivering on its ninja promise.


In case we doubt the sincerity and good will of this comic's creative team, just look at the opportunities they're giving to the less fortunate, such as this young man who leads a relatively normal life in spite of his weirdly misshapen face.


Committment to the 80s action genre is demonstrated here as the "computer expert hacking into the mainframe to locate crucial evidence" plot point gets another parade around the block, as does this comic's habit of contantly flashing back and then forward again to jazz up a tired narrative. Is that a crime? No. Should it be? That isn't for us to decide here today.


It wouldn't be an adventure story without the hero about to go into action and the hero's buddy saying "let me go with you even though it isn't in the elaborate plan we've concocted." If there's one thing professional military secret action forces do, it's change plans at the last minute on a whim.


"Acting without orders. Some heave stuff, man" - Again, are typographical errors a crime? Maybe? Outside our purview today. Let's move on.


Members of the jury, you're here today to determine the truth or falsity of this comic book's title. Which is "Ninja." I ask you to examine these two pages filled with one ninja demolishing a crack team of armed commandos inside a blacked-out house - exactly the scenario that the ninja is trained for - and then ask yourself if this satisfies any reasonable expectation of ninjaness or ninjahood. I maintain it does!


Turning lights off, messing up the basement, turning lights back on. Seems like when they say "ninjas" they mean "children ages 5-10." Am I right, parents on the jury?


Again, here's the ninja action promised by the title and delivered by the content. Certainly some of the more ethnocentric members of the jury may be saying, "I know they can wear the robes and the mask and they can karate kick and sword-slash. But aren't ninjas traditionally Japanese?" To which I reply, was not the American Lee Van Cleef a ninja in the fine documentary series "The Master"? And was not the Italian Franco Nero the titular star of "Enter The Ninja?" Anyone with the right training and access to a martial arts equipment catalog can be a ninja. Those are simply the facts!


Do ninjas wear bras? No, and neither does what is undeniably the ninja star of "Ninja." The evidence is right here before our eyes. Your honor, need we continue?


"The Deadly Art Of Phone-Fu" is what we'd call this if there wasn't already what I assume to be a ninja term for murdering someone with a telephone. More proof of the authenticity of this document.


Our legal team is fairly certain they first saw this "man pointing gun from beneath" image in a Paul Gulacy story that was swiped from Barry Smith comic that was referencing Jim Steranko. And what are ninjas known for besides being assassins? Being THIEVES. I rest my case!


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, with this stunning roundhouse karate kick of justice I now bring our defense to a close. We've proven conclusively that this comic book is real, that ninjas are real and that this ninja comic book has not only earned the right to title itself "Ninja" but has also earned our respect, and maybe a little of our fear. Because they're ninjas.


Of course this rag-tag team of misfits and rule-breakers has once again successfully defended America's way of life even though they had to do it while on their vacation, and if working while you should be on vacation isn't the American way of life I don't know what is!


Just as it began, our story ends with a long shot of a character walking. Our legally-proven-ninja heroine has re-enlisted for four more years of government issued clothing allowances, healthcare, travel expenses, and Red Dog Codename Ninja adventuring. Can you blame her? What's the base salary for private-sector ninjas? Do they even have retirement plans or free college tuition? One thing is for sure, this person is a ninja, starring in a comic book that should be allowed to label itself accurately as "Ninja." And with that the defense rests, your honor. We confidently await the acquittal of our client on all charges.

(JUDGE bangs gavel)
Order in the court. I will have order! I'm sorry gentlemen, I've just been informed we have new evidence to present in this case, evidence of yet another case of Americans borrowing Japanese popular culture for their own comic book amusement. Let the record show I am holding up the back cover of the sixth issue of "Ninja."


Both of you approach the bench. Now listen you two. That Ninja thing, we're gonna let that slide, because THIS one looks WAY worse. See you in court!

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