Good news, everybody! Stupid Comics is back with one of our favorite things, namely the thrilling thematic juxtaposition of religious comics drawn by artists closely associated with Archie comics. We've gotten a lot of mileage out of the skedaddling Jesus-teen buffoonery of Al Hartley's work, but it turns out other famous Betty & Veronica stylists weren't able to pass up the chance to take a side gig and witness for The Lord at the same time.


That's why the Dan DeCarlo cartooning in this story has been paraphrased in order to communicate clearly to the youngest reader! DeCarlo had been away from the kid-comic "Homer The Happy Ghost" style for a decade or so, but you could still see it kicking around in the background of scenes in his contemporaneous "Bingo" and "Josie" work. Here his big-headed kids are in full effect, including a thinly disguised Little Archie and Betty, learning about their relationship with the creator of the universe through the educational method of... some kind of wacky numerological baseball mitt.


The yellow finger tells us "God has a wonderful plan for your life, it may involve wearing an Amazing Technicolor Baseball Glove, don't ask too many questions."


Darkfinger! He's the finger with the sinful touch! Darkfinger! Beware of his careful diagram explaining how ethnic stereotypes around the globe have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God!


What is sin? Is sin slamming that baseball right into Timmy's skull? Or is sin merely THINKING about slamming that baseball into Timmy's skull? What if you're pretty sure God told you to slam that baseball into Timmy? Larry Cohen made a whole movie about that!


The dark finger tells us that every rear-window car-decal family has sinned. Depending on how it's used, and in what context, that middle finger tells us a lot of other things, some of which aren't very polite. And I thought this was a good news glove!


The helpful pictograms are really making things clear, especially the gigantic manger perched atop the North Pole, it's like the Sherwin-Williams logo, except it represents feeding barnyard animals and the temporary housing of holy infants both tender and mild.


Remember God built the Jesus Bridge so you can get from Sin to God, or from God to Sin if that's the way your daily commute happens to go. We're not gonna judge! That's God's job.


The white finger tells you how to have a new clean life. The white finger is also used to check for dust! Gotta make sure that life is white-glove clean!


How do you want to live? In a dark circle filled with play, family, and school? Or in a bright circle also filled with play, family, and school? Fun fact: this helpful diagram can illustrate both "Jesus" and "Daylight Savings Time."


I see the Christmas Present Giftwrap school of theology falls firmly on the "saved by grace" side of the issue, thereby releasing us from any pesky obligations to make the world a better place. Whew!


Would God tell you a lie? Of course not. And if he did...how would you know? He's God!


Verily, yea, thus I say unto you, the Lord is like unto a, uh, a big Choo-Choo Train. Do NOT trust your feelings about this.


The Good News Glove tells you four things, and it tells you these four things again, and you repeat them four times on each of your four fingers, might wanna get that black one checked out because, you know, gangrene?


As a child of God you may tell lies, be angry, steal, hate, and cheat. What then? Well, then you'll be all set for a career as a TV evangelist!


Confessing and repentance is OBVIOUSLY more fun if you recite a Monty Python skit about it in the process. I don't know if it counts, though.


Just imagining the guy reading the work order down at the specialty baseball mitt manufacturing plant. "They want a lefty mitt with a black thumb? A yellow finger, and a black finger, and a red finger, a white finger, and a... green palm? And you say... it's for Jesus? Well then, I'LL DO IT!!"


Usually baseball gloves have things like "Willie Mays" and "Babe Ruth" written on them, but these Good News Gloves come engraved with random nouns and verbs.


1. I received Christ into my life today
2. I was already a Christian and am just wasting your time
3. Still not sure about this whole business, send me more comics


So come on, gang! Slap those mitts onto your mitts and let's carefully explain the very specific meanings behind each finger to everyone we come across! Soon the entire neighborhood will be good... and sick of us!

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