(Scene: 9:45pm on a Saturday in a VFW hall somewhere in the Midwest, sometime 1965-1980) What did I do in the war? You're asking ME what *I* did in the WAR? Well let me just say I didn't spend it swabbin' decks in Norfolk! Tell you what, let's get another pitcher and I'll tell you all about how I was a battle seas hitchhiker!


That's right, I was a frogman in the Pacific! I was one of those guys that would swim around clearing obstacles and defusing mines and going deep into enemy territory to scout things out before the Marines landed! That's right, I went in BEFORE the Marines. True story! Then there was the time I was about to go on a frogman mission and my sub got attacked by a Japanese float plane. Attacking MY sub? Not on my watch!


Even though the sub was at a 90 degree angle I ran up the deck in my swim fins, easy if you know how, they teach us that in frogman basic. And I grabbed that machine gun on deck, the one that's always kept loaded and ready for instant action, and started shooting!


Four feet underwater and I still managed to shoot that plane down. Swear to God! Now how about another round.


I started paddling towards the beach and noticed that the enemy had placed acres of sharp metal spikes to stop our landings! You know, like punji stakes, but made out of steel, like those spike strips they have downtown to keep people from driving the wrong way out of the parking lot. By the way, I could use some new tires, if you know who's got the best deal in town, let me know. But anyway. There I was.


Once I surfaced I started drawing lots of fire from the beach defenders! Luckily they were terrible shots and not one bullet hit me or did any damage at all, except for the lucky shot that cut my air hose.


There was an enemy patrol boat cruising right over those spikes, next to all that shooting, I guess they figured those guys on shore couldn't hit nothing, and there was a line that just happened to be dangling in the water behind the boat that I could grab on to, an easy thing that anyone who's tried to grab the tow line of a speedboat going past while water-skiing can tell you. Super easy. But then them enemy swabbies noticed me and the shooting started again!


Of course I had some demolition charges with me. It wasn't easy to light one while bobbing around in the ocean being shot at by ten or fifteen Japanese sailors. Try it sometime, you'll see! But I got it done and tossed that charge into the boat and it went blamm. One in a million shot!


So there I was waiting for that sub to pick me up, and a sub surfaced right on top of me, but wouldn't you just know it, that sub was Japanese!


I tried to keep the hatch from opening but they just shoved me off of it, and I landed on the deck. And what do you think I landed next to? You'll never guess.


Swear to God, there I was next to a machine gun! A machine gun that had been submerged in salt water for ten or fifteen hours but somehow was loaded and ready to fire. Look, strange things happen in wartime and I can't explain everything. All I know is that I started blasting away and some of those bullets must have bounced down inside the sub hatch and through at least three bulkheads and hit a torpedo or something, I don't know what. All I know is that sub blew up! And that's all that counts!


And then do you know what I did? I banged my head on a mine! Of course it didn't go off. It's the one thing that doesn't explode in this story, the thing that's supposed to explode. I know! It's crazy! Hey, tell that bartender to turn that TV down, because you ain't heard nothin' yet!


Like I said, the mine was a dud, even though I was slamming it against that destroyer as hard as I could. Sure, I would have been vaporized when it went off, but if there's anything we're taught in frogman school, it's that sometimes you're just gonna get vaporized.


I swam 100 yards away and then do you know what they did? They started shooting at me too! And THAT'S when I got ANGRY. Luckily I had more demolition charges! So I swam that 100 yards back to the ship while they were shooting at me the whole time and I planted that demo charge on the hull of a warship while it was travelling, I dunno, fifteen or twenty knots, I wasn't keeping track.


So let's see here, I shot down an airplane and I blew up a boat and I sank a submarine and I blew up a destroyer. Sure, it sounds wild for one guy to do all this! But it really happened. Greatest day of my life. And then, what's more, another float plane started shooting at me!


What I did was, I got right under where I knew he'd be touching down, and then as the float skipped past me at seventy-five or eighty miles an hour, I just grabbed onto it, no problem, try it sometime, it's easy.


And what do you think happened next? Not going to guess? Well, I'll tell you anyways. Another Japanese fighter plane started shooting at me while I was clinging to the float of the first Japanese plane! I had to throw another demolition charge - I carry a lot of those while I'm swimming around - at that fighter and blow him up, while his bullets were blowing up the plane I was on! Those Japanese can hit everything but me, I guess.


There I was, that plane going down in flames and me a thousand feet up in the air, falling like a stone. So I just did what anybody else would do in that situation, I just grabbed that parachuting Japanese pilot and held on for dear life. This is actually a thing they teach us in frogman school if we're ever clinging to the float of a float plane that gets shot down, it's standard procedure.


Sure, I had to give that pilot a few knuckle sandwiches before he calmed down. But we landed safe and sound! And do you know where we landed? We landed right on the deck of the sub I was supposed to meet back up with. True story, you can look it up! Well, it was all top secret at the time, but I'm sure that's all been lifted now. Halsey, you know, the admiral, he gave me two Navy Crosses, and I got something from the Air Force on account of shooting down all those planes, and MacArthur, he said, "son, I want you to have one of my pipes," but that was later, after the time I... wait a minute, you don't believe me? You think I'm making this all up? Look, would they have had comic artist legend Gene Colan draw a story that wasn't true? I don't think so!

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