It may seem impossible today, but there was a time when millions of American children were regular devotees of an art form that reached into every corner of society and impacted culture in ways only a mass medium could. We're talking, of course, about old-time radio. But what happens when the worlds of radio and comic books collide? You can't build a rocket ship to get away from it, that's what. So let's close our eyes and look closely, children!


America's beloved radio pixie Sparkie is kind of like Pinocchio, but... well, okay, he's exactly like Pinocchio. He's a marionette that wants to be a real boy. Well, he's on the radio that's different, I guess. Sparkie was the sidekick of real life radio host Big Jon Arthur, and millions of former 50s kids remember their wonderful radio adventures, which were broadcast from Cincinnati every weekday and Saturdays with the "No School Today" show. The rest of us, we just see this comic book and are confused.


Old Witch, Wicked Witch, whatever, we're going to take a trip to fairy tale land with Sparkie and Twinkle as they spend a lot of time being worried about Hansel and Gretel, maybe they could just turn the page and finish the story and they wouldn't be so worried?


So this is a sequence where a talking puppet and a shape shifting sorcery doll get on their magic carpet to fly to the land of make believe? Here's some news about that make-believe land - they're already in it.


Magic Carpet Please Descend, Bring Our Journey To An End, Please Return Your Tray Tables To An Upright Position And Secure Loose Baggage, Be Careful When Opening Overhead Compartments.


"You see, there's this wonderful forest of tempting goodies, but you can't have any of it, or you get locked away with the old witch. I don't make the rules! I'm just a fearsome giant that can do whatever he wants. And what I want to do is watch children suffer."


They've been walking so long that they're tired and they're sleepy and they've completely forgotten they had a magic carpet and therefore could have been flying instead of walking.


Well, here's where Sparkie lets temptation get the better of him. The peaches ARE really good this year, though!


That's when Sparkie realized he'd stumbled into that cursed hellscape of degradation and horror known only as... McDonaldLand! That's one of those creepy McDonaldland apple pie trees from the commercials! You're doomed Sparkie!


Why not be like the wicked witch here, and let the Creepy Living Tree Agency handle all YOUR staffing needs?


I'll say this, the unemployment rate is ZERO at the witch's cottage!


Let's see. An abusive, insatiable rural weirdo who never sleeps... this is a meth lab, isn't it?


Glue Cookies, the hot new TikTok trend that's entertaining millions and causing significant intestinal distress. Why not try the Glue Cookie Challenge today?


So I see this story now features eating cookies instead of children, spanking children instead of eating them, and glue-trapping the witch instead of shoving her into the oven and listening to her screams fade slowly. How are '50s kids supposed to get traumatized with this kind of rewriting?


In this version of the fairy tale Hansel and Gretel don't have to leave bread crumbs or pebbles, there are helpful "exit" signs everywhere. Also, Gretel's on-point eye makeup is suddenly a thing.


"I've been looking everywhere for you, Sparkie. Everywhere, except the one place we came all this way to visit."


Their adventure concluded, Sparkie puts the cursed witch's cookies into the special cupboard along with the various eggs, trumpets, Necronomicons, and demon-possessed Raggedy Anns he's collected in his travels.


Remember kids, tell Mom and Dad there's No School Today. Circus elephants can't lie!

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