Well, it's football season again, and that means enduring lots of long-suffering sighs from your friends who for some reason don't thrill to watching zillionaires run up and down on artificial grass while trying to give each other concussions. What's wrong with your friends? Seems like football is something everybody should enjoy. Maybe this is something football ought to work on if they want to finally grab that last teeny-tiny segment of the population that isn't already football fanatics! But what can this obviously already perfect sport do to make itself more attractive? Well, the great thinkers of our civilization - comic book writers - have already been cogitating upon this very topic, and we believe they've come up with some unique solutions.


That's the problem right there with football - not enough ghost girls! Or Frankenstein monsters, for that matter! Will the inclusion of these fantastical supernatural elements make a great game even greater? Let's watch.


Don't be silly Lila. Girls can't play football, or own property, or vote! Just stick to cheerleading, which is also at this time largely the domain of men. And what's with this whole "college" thing, anyway?


As was customary, every Obendorfer victory was celebrated by a rocket-propelled human sacrifice to their savage pagan sky gods.


It seems blasting your cheerleaders into smithereens will tend to dampen enthusiasm for your football program, as Obendorfer spends the next five or six decades watching their squad devolve into a horde of stumbling losers... who are also bad at football.


Hearing a heartfelt plea for gridiron salvation, Lila reappears from the great beyond in front of the the only cheerleader-hating man in America. All those flashing limbs and short skirts, all that lively pep and skilled acrobatics? Bah, humbug, he says.


Tackle him, don't tickle him! Shove him, don't love him! Distress him, don't caress him! Berate him, don't date him! Destroy him, don't be coy with him! Kung-fu him, don't woo him! And so forth, he said as he flipped through his rhyming dictionary!


How else could a mere woman tackle a tackling dummy except through the use of unseen mystical ghost powers? I ask you!


Even the fabled Sphynx in Egypt is wondering exactly what this story is supposed to be doing. Is it sports? Comedy? Mystery? Romance? An exploration of the persistence of gender-based roles in college athletics? Or just page-filling nonsense wrapped around ads for candy, gum, and toys?


Hallowe'en! Remember the apostrophe, for extra spookyness. Hallowe'en is the perfect time to wander over in front of a stranger's door, ring the bell, and seductively purr "I'm SO lonesome!" No, that's not right. "Trick or treat!" THAT'S what you're supposed to say.


Working real hard here to come up with some sort of smutty joke referencing "climbing Mount Baldy," but nothing's really working. Just assume I came up with something really funny, OK?


Look, they needed some kind of monster there on spirit-haunted Bald Mountain, and the Comics Code won't let us use devils or wolfmen or zombies. So Frankenstein's Monster it is.


Sure, Dan is "fighting" here. He's really smashing the monster's fist with his face. Take that, monster.


Tonight don't miss a very special episode of "Ghost Girl, Monster Proctologist." Check your local listings for time and station!


Sure, Ghost Lila could have transformed herself into a rough tough manly man football player at any point in this narrative. But if she did that, we'd never get to see her throw a football around the world or zap Frankstein's Monster in the butt.


One Weird Trick To Win At Football: paste a skull sticker on the football! (only works with really superstitious opposing teams)


I can't decide if this is "Illegal Interference" or "Ineligible Receiver." All I know is there's gonna be a flag on this play!


Fun fact: this sequence was inspired by the little-seen Hammer horror film "The Touchdowns Of Frankenstein," starring Peter Cushing, Ingrid Pitt, and the starting lineup of the '67 Green Bay Packers.


Ghosts? Witches? Frankenstein's Monsters? A score of 116-116? Now THIS is what I call entertaining football. I hope you're taking notes, NFL!


The good news is that with this victory Obendorfer will continue to have a football team! The bad news is that without Lila and her ghost monster witch whatever powers, Obendorfer will continue to be absolutely destroyed every time they play.


Football is no place for a girl! Girls might get hurt! Lila, on the other hand, is a ghost, fundamentally incapable of being hurt by anything in our material world. But Dan is beyond this kind of logic - he's in love with what I'm going to call "the ghost in the invisible jockstrap."


So of course they got ghost married! And they had a ghost son! Which is a thing that can happen, I guess! And of course that son is going to be a star ghost football player. Even if it kills him. Which it might not be able to do if he's a ghost. I'm very confused about the whole thing. Now if only pro football can get on board with this ghost monster witch Frankenstein thing, maybe they'll grab those finicky holdouts!

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