Everybody has at least one person in their lives who's always full of big talk about "here's what I'm gonna do, let me tell you my big plans for what I'll accomplish someday, let me bore you to death yammering on about all the amazing feats I'll achieve"? Well, what if I told you that there was, in fact, a comic book verson of this incredibly annoying person? Would you run away screaming in fear? If I was you, I'd run.


YES it's NEUTRO!! This one's been on my list for a while. Well, here it is, Neutro, The Most Astounding Super Hero Of All! And if THAT isn't a patently false claim right off the bat I don't know what is. Neutro doesn't know the difference between right and wrong? Big deal, any toddler can say the same thing. Neutro ALSO doesn't know the difference between right and wrong fashion choices- check out those awful hip boots!

Well, I hope you're ready to be astounded by this great super hero. I know you will be. Maybe not in the way Dell intended.


The first UFO sighting in North America was over a thousand years ago and was witnessed by 200 eyes, 100 tongues and 998 toes because somebody was, let's just say he'll be a little more careful with his hatchet in the future, and all this data was recorded by someone with... quick, what Navajo for "obsessive compulsive disorder?"


So I know what you're thinking right here, we're three pages in and already the captions are wasting everybody's time with repetitive nonsense about how things one can tell are things that can be told, you're thinking this comic book is bound to pick up soon and get with the giant world-destroying wrong-right ignorance already. Right? Wrong.


"My ancestors were terrified at first, and then the bass dropped and everybody got really into it! Best rave ever."


Did ancient tribes witness parcel delivery men... from OUTER SPACE? Stay tuned to the History Channel to find out!


Sure buddy, disturb the ancient Indian burial ground with the curse on it, never any problems with that course of action, right?


He refuses to believe that he cannot prove as fact the things other people refuse to believe. Just so we're all on the same page here.


Eventually all the workers give up on this guy's project, mostly because they kept asking "hey, where are the bulldozers and backhoes, this shovel nonsense is for the birds" and he kept acting like he couldn't hear them.


"Nothing" is indeed how readers describe what's happened in this comic book so far!


And right when he was ready to give up, here they are, those Indian legend flying saucer boxes, unlike any boxes made on Earth, they're far beyond our ability to make a container with a flat base and sides!


So you found some thousand year old artifacts possibly from another world, what's the best way to investigate what's inside? Crowbar the hell out of 'em, that's how!


Amazing, this alien technology comes with easily understandable instructions allowing us to construct some sort of mysterious device! It also comes with a cease and desist letter from the legal representation of Universal Pictures, saying something about plagarism and something called "This Island Earth," whatever that is.


Look, my washing machine doesn't have a brain, and it does a fine job. Now, certainly it's time for Neutro to brainlessly start busting things up! Or maybe washing clothes.


But first John Dodge and Doc Banyan have to make sure we know all about the things Neutro could do. Not that he will do these things, it's just that he COULD do them. Kids love comics that are all about how they could potentially be exciting!


Bend steel in his bare hands, change the course of mighty rivers, get sued by National, whichever


editors note: please don't feed your babies candy. Or bullets.


If there were dinosaurs then Neutro could reduce twenty of them to ashes, if Neutro was ever going to do anything other than be a thing about which potential activities are discussed, in commentary that has become so pointless that they are now dreaming up nonexistent things for Neutro to nonexistentally destroy.


"Faster than leopards?" Seriously, some people will use ANYTHING but the metric system


He can't be crushed by a thousand pythons! Neither can anyone else, once ten or twelve pythons get wrapped around you there really isn't room for any more pythons to get in on the crushing. But a thousand sounds so impressive! Still, Neutro is not invincible because he has no brain. Which is how consumers felt after spending twelve cents on this comic.


Now hold on, before you get all excited about all the things you've seen that Neutro could potentially do, let's pause for a moment and bethink some more activities Neutro perhaps might avail himself of.


Seems to me if I built a super powerful yet brainless robot that was only controlled by a system that could be hijacked at any moment, why, I might just dismantle that super powerful robot. But that's me.


Little did Dodge and Banyan suspect that Frankenstein's Monster and Lo Pan (James Hong from "Big Trouble In Little China") were already plotting to take control of Neutro!


And little did anyone on Earth know the real story behind Neutro, which involves, let me see here, every planet in the universe, there's a Neutro on every planet in the universe. That's a lot of Neutros to put on a lot of planets just on the off chance that somebody might find the boxes, ignore the curses, assemble the Neutro, and then be easily controlled by Plutonians. And that's assuming it's on a planet the Plutonians actually want to invade. I mean, every planet is a lot of planets! You don't need 'em all!


I'd hide away too if I looked like these guys. Maybe plan on makeovers, wardrobe upgrades, cosmetic surgery instead of capturing robots?


Just listen to these scientists talk! In fact you'll have to because that's all that's going to happen for a few pages, you might as well settle in.


What IS it about Neutro that inspires everyone to just start babbling on and on about what Neutro can do? If only this was taking place in some sort of fictional scenario that would allow for Neutro to actually destroy a city or punch an elephant or whatever, instead of merely having characters talk about how cool it would be if Neutro punched an elephant. But that's only a wonderful dream.


All over the world, chemistry professors, crab-boiling experts and hot rod welders swear to capture Neutro so they themselves can talk about the great things Neutro might could do, maybe!


It sure is terrible that all these other groups are sending out their powerful rays trying to control Neutro, the invincible robot, whose power could easily crush the transmitters those other groups are using, I wonder if you ever thought of that, John Dodge and Doc Banyan, no, it's all riding whales and racing leopards with you two.


Chaining Neutro was of course a useless act, but we're going to waste a panel on it anyway.


Oh, it's the SCIENTIFIC groups trying to control the alien robot with powerful radio beams, unlike all those other non-scientific groups trying to control Neutro with pottery or macrame or short stories.


Sure, why not waste another panel on the chains we already know won't hold him? I'm not in a hurry, what's your rush? Got somewhere to be?


It's just that simple! Whoever controls Neutro controls the world, which means they control all the publishing companies in the world, which means they control Dell Comics, which means they can immediately cancel any further plans to publish "Neutro!" Fingers crossed!


Oh my goodness, something actually finally happened, somebody's radio beam over-rode somebody else's radio beam, like when that station two towns over got FCC approval to go to 50,000 watts and suddenly it's The Eagles all the time!


It's hard to take Dodge seriously when he says one thing and then immediately contradicts himself. Are all of these statements not meant lightly? Just one or two?


Neutro is in control of the enemy! Their own control! Will they PLEASE make Neutro do SOMETHING - ANYTHING??


Nothing. Nothing! Nothing is going to happen in this comic!


Do we really know that Dodge and Doc are "good"? Maybe 777 is going to use Neutro to bake cakes for widows and orphans! Or maybe 777 is going to use Neutro to blast cities and raze entire civilizations to the ground. At this point anything would be an improvement over the absolute lack of happenings in this comic.


It's rare when a comic just comes right out and admits they had no plan, they were just going to waste 32 pages with characters pontificating on potentialities and leave everybody hanging on the last page, which is just a reprint of the cover, it really hammers home how pointless a waste of time this was for everybody involved. On the other hand, at least the cover blurb didn't lie, this really is astounding. Astoundingly STUPID!!! I want my twelve cents back!!

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