TERRAFORMERS! SHAPERS OF WORLDS! TOOL MAKERS, STACKERS OF WHEAT... no wait, that's Chicago. "Terraformers" is a comic from the mid-80s indy comics boom published by Wonder Color Comics, as in "you'll Wonder why we spent so much money on this to print it in full color".


Like many a mid-80s indy comic, this one has a lengthy editorial on the inside front cover, but disappointingly, this one isn't an airing of the editor's personal grievances (though there is some vague shade thrown towards a prudish letterer somewhere in all this text). This one is mainly airing a grievance against "censorship", or the concept of censorship, which Wonder Color Comics had not specifically had an issue with but was still taking a stand against anyway. The main takeaway of this is that you, the reader, are an adult, and this isn't some kiddie comic for kiddies.


This is the next page, featuring an ugly alien called an "Ugtlon" monologing about his plans to take over Earth or something, who knows, who can read all that

I guess the main difference between a comic for kiddies and one for adults is if this were for children the writing would be a lot more concise and to the point.


Seriously, look at all this expositional damn dialogue between two ugly guys with hard to pronounce names and a hologram! This is only page 2 of issue #2 and we're all ready so deep in the weeds of backstory that you need a scorecard. So is it good that the Ugtlons might leave after 72 hours? Or bad? Do I care? No? Good, I'm gonna go bake some banana bread.


UGH FINE I'LL KEEP GOING. Here's our hero, Gideon, who was mentioned on the previous page if you can be bothered to slog through all that, landing his terraforming mechanical suit in a so-called "garage", which has quotes around it even though it does seem to be an actual garage, albeit one big enough to accomodate big mechanical suits. I don't know where Gideon and his friend Crysallis are coming from, nor do I know what rigs they are trying to stop and why, all I know is that this is the dullest episode of MTV's Cribs I've ever seen.


Gideon: You stupid scientists, doing all your science stuff instead of cool stuff like shooting things, if you scientists are so smart why do so few of you know how to make a fist? SCIENTISTS!!


Crysallis: This thong is chafing and my bra provides little support. I'm a scientist!


BAH! What do stupid sexy scientists know about this? It's called a RITUAL Karen! Based on an ancient race of people called "Jews" that no longer exist, because all the Jewish parents told their scientist daughters "you'll leave the house dressed like that over my dead body".


Wait, who is this? They just threw in a guy inside a volcano like a cutaway joke in Family Guy.


Meanwhile meanwhile, two guys named either Tidepool and Wingspan or Ovid and Asano, not sure which one's which but who cares, do something or other involving flying into a cloud. (just kidding, Asano is obviously the guy with kanji-ish writing on his wristband who's talking about honor, it's called context clues sweaty look it up)


Girl scientists: wear skimpy bikinis with thigh-high boots and fingerless opera gloves
Boy scientists: Wear pope hats with safari flaps and several layers of long, flowing robes covering literally everything except their face and hands

But at least now we know the person in the volcano is named Solaria, and she's a "she"! Hope her mechanical suit isn't as skimpy as her presumed bikini outfit!


Now let's enjoy some exposition about Gideon with some dialogue that is as natural as Crysallis's pose


OK, well, finally a character I immediately recognize! This is of course the little boy from St. Elsewhere, all grown up!


Wait, Solaria is freed from the volcano! Or, someone named Eyeflash, or maybe that's the mechanical suit's name, great idea to switch back and forth between characters' actual names and the names of their mech suits, awesome job writer and editor. Did I mention this is only issue #2?


The Hebrew language and its peoples are all but lost to history in this far-flung future, but fetishization of fakey Japanese culture by white midwesterners lives on!

Racoona may not understand the way of Bushido, but does Asano understand HER culture of raiding trash cans in urban areas every night?? (I'm assuming Racoona is an actual racoon)

Anyway, the point remains: Every Japanese person is descended from Samurai.


What, Crysallis's cargo transport thingy doesn't get a cool nickname? We can't say "Golem streaks while Stumpy follows", leaving us to guess who's inside Stumpy? C'mon, Wonder Color Comics' editorial team, I'm counting on you to make everything as opaque as possible!


In a hidden cave, Crysallis carefully thrusts her hips just so to achieve proper computer-hacking position.


Oh, finally on page 17 you decide to put the mech suit name together with the character inside?


Inside the cave Crysallis wakes up some guy frozen in an iron lung (?) who delivers this issue's shock suspense twist ending, this was Mars all along! It's like a reverse Planet of the Apes! Next --> Probably more talking! Whatever, I'm gonna go bake some banana bread.

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